It's been quite a month since my last post. To be honest, I've not been exactly sure how to share what's been going on. There have been some significant changes in my life and a few rather heartbreaking disappointments. My life is not moving in the direction I thought it was just a few short months ago and I'm grieving the differences.
The reality is that I struggle so much with struggle. I like to think that as a woman of faith I should just be able to happily take in whatever comes my way. A friend shared with me that the peaks and valleys of life are both to be expected, and yet we are so surprised (disappointed, shocked, angry) when we hit that next valley...as if we are somehow immune to them. I shared with another friend the honest humanity of my emotions...I want to be above these feelings. I want to be unfazed by life's disappointments. I want to smile and have an unshakable faith. I want that, even in the midst of being blindsided by my circumstances, to believe I can be so utterly fulfilled with God alone that being let down by someone I loved would somehow not hurt quite so much.
The truth is, that hope is a fantasy. We are created for community. We are designed to desire and be desired by others. When hope is deferred, when dreams are dashed, our fragile hearts can't help but break because anything less means we didn't really love in the first place. So I'm encouraged by my hurt, as twisted as that sounds, because it means I did love, even if I lost it. And I'm encouraged that even though God isn't obligated to answer our whys, He still invites us to ask the hard questions.
I have so many questions.