Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm writing this post from the home of some friends in Ohio. This past Tuesday morning was the day I had been dreading for over a year. My best friends, the family down the street, left for their new home on the other side of the world. The thought of driving back to our neighborhood after seeing them off at the airport was more than I could take, so I was very grateful for the opportunity to head out of town for a few days.

A few weeks ago, the message at my church was about how sometimes, when we pursue God's will, things get worse. I've often said that I'm not afraid to do the hard thing, so long as I know it's the right thing. The challenge of this particular season of my life is not simply that change is here, whether I want it or not, but I don't know what I'm to do next. With the challenges of my health, I've finally accepted the reality that I am unable to do the work I've done for the last ten years. However, I don't yet know what I can do well. I know I can no longer afford to live in the home I love, but I don't yet know where I will live next. I know that it is not in my best interest--physically, emotionally or spiritually--to live alone, but I don't know yet with whom I will live. I feel as though the road I have been traveling has come to an end. There's no fork, no narrower path. Just emptiness ahead. And I wonder if somewhere along the way I got lost, or if this is the next step of learning to trust God. I'm seeking that pillar of fire or clouds to lead me. Someone once said that when you are unsure of your direction, to go back to the last place you felt confident of your route. For me, that place is here in Ohio.

The last few days have been restful and have brought so much peace to my heart, even in the midst of the unknown. Being away from home is giving me clarity to see what I'm missing and to define what I really need. I'm enjoying the conversations I'm having as I reconnect and deepen relationships with friends here. I'm grateful for this oasis in Ohio.

Making Peace with the Unknown

There's a saying, "The more I know, the more I know I don't know." In this season of transition, there's very little I take for granted. I'm no longer driven to make my mark on the world, but I am interested in making a mark in my world. My approach to time has changed, too. I'm much more of a day-by-day girl, now. One benefit of this approach time is being able to appreciate the process of life rather than only the outcomes. This weekend is a good example.

On Saturday I had a first date with a guy very different than my typical type. We've been getting to know each other for a few weeks now and the best word I can use to describe my interest is "intrigued." I don't know enough to know whether we should pursue things, but I don't know enough to say we definitely shouldn't either. In the past, I would have avoided the unknown by ruling him out. But I'm trying to do things differently. So we met and ended up having a really good time.

One of things that most attracted me to him is that it's clear from his relational history that he is able to love well. By well, I mean unconditionally. He's weathered some things I can't fathom, and has come through with a remarkably positive view of love and marriage. Those of you who know me and my own relational history understand that this is a rather irresistible trait. As we talked throughout the day, his outlook challenged me to be more free (less fearful) about the process of loving and be loved.

I'm reminded that everyone we meet has the power to influence us for better or for worse. As for my Saturday date, I'm better for having met him. I hope he feels the same way.