Here's a study on the effects of parental divorce on the grown child's marriage:
Summary:
Children of divorced parents often vow not to repeat the same mistakes. They want to avoid putting themselves and their own children through the pain that comes from the dissolution of a marriage. But these children's aspirations face unfavorable odds, a University of Utah researcher says.
The divorce cycle, in short, can be thought of as a cascade. Ending a marriage starts a cycle that threatens to affect increasing numbers of people over time, a sobering thought in an era when half of all new marriages fail.
Link:
http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/512757/
Full Article:
THE DIVORCE CYCLE: CHILDREN OF DIVORCE IN THEIR OWN MARRIAGES
Newswise
University of Utah
June 27, 2005
Children of divorced parents often bitterly vow not to repeat the same mistakes. They want to avoid putting themselves and their own children through the pain that comes from the dissolution of a marriage. But, according to University of Utah researcher Nicholas H. Wolfinger, these children's aspirations face unfavorable odds.
"Growing up in a divorced family greatly increases the chances of ending one's own marriage, a phenomenon called the divorce cycle or the intergenerational transmission of divorce," says Wolfinger, assistant professor in the University of Utah's Department of Family and Consumer Studies.
Wolfinger has spent a decade studying the marriages of children from divorced homes in America. These children are more likely to marry as teens, cohabitate and marry someone who is also a child of divorced parents. And they are also one-third less likely to marry if they are over age 20.
Wolfinger's new book is devoted entirely to the divorce cycle. "Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in Their Own Marriages," published by Cambridge University Press, contains important information for those interested in divorce and its repercussions and for policy makers who determine family and divorce law.
"Divorce is an important topic because it has so many consequences for well-being," writes Wolfinger, also an adjunct assistant professor in the university's Department of Sociology. "Its transmission between generations adds a whole new dimension by perpetuating the cycle of divorce. … The divorce cycle, in short, can be thought of as a cascade. Ending a marriage starts a cycle that threatens to affect increasing numbers of people over time, a sobering thought in an era when half of all new marriages fail."
Wolfinger's research also suggests that if one spouse comes from divorced parents, the couple may be up to twice as likely to divorce. Spouses who are both children of divorced parents are three times more likely to divorce as couples who both hail from intact families.
Besides observing the marital stability of the offspring of divorced couples, Wolfinger's 180-page book provides perspective on how parental divorce affects offspring marriage timing, mate selection, cohabitating relationships as well as historical trends in the divorce cycle. Wolfinger also explores the divorce reform movement in America and argues in favor of no-fault divorce laws, arguing that a return to an age of tough divorce laws would recreate the social conditions that used to make divorce harder on children.
"One reason children from divorced families get divorced more often is because they have a tendency to marry as teenagers," Wolfinger reports, adding "the older you are when you marry, the less likely you are to get divorced. It's good advice for everyone."
On the other hand, the more transitions children experience while growing up, the more they will experience as adults, Wolfinger notes. "What is the hardest for kids is how many disruptions they experience -- the up-and-down cycles. Many will have stepparents, and some will see their new families dissolve. A disruption occurs any time they lose a parent -- except from death. That's different, and doesn't have the same negative effects on children. Whereas divorce is ambiguous. Children wonder whether the divorce was their fault or who is to blame. And they wonder 'Is he coming back?'"
Wolfinger writes, "It is certainly good news that people are less likely to stay in high conflict marriages than they used to." However, "ending a low-conflict marriage may hurt children as much as staying in a high-conflict family," and the odds of divorce transmission are actually highest if parents dissolve a marriage after little or no conflict.
"The most interesting finding," Wolfinger says, is that "some of the negative consequences of growing up in a divorced family, including stigmatization, are less severe because divorce has become more common."
Ultimately, Wolfinger shows that the divorce cycle can primarily be attributed to the lessons children learn about relationship skills and marital commitment, and secondarily to the effects of parental divorce on offspring marriage formation behavior and educational attainment.
Wolfinger's research is based on the National Survey of Families and Households, which included detailed information on family background for 13,000 people, and the General Social Survey, which surveyed 20,000 people over a 30-year period.
Resources:
Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in their Own Marriages by Nicholas H. Wolfinger (Cambridge, 2005)
Adult Children of Divorced Parents: Making Your Marriage Work by Tom and Beverly Rodgers (Resource, 2002)
Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce: Healing Your Long Term Hurt by Jim Conway (InterVarsity, 1990)
Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain by Jen Abbas (WaterBrook, 2004)
Friday, July 15, 2005
A nod to the new parents in my circle of friends
4:17am
by Steven Simpson
850 WORDS OF RELEVANT :: 06.21.05
This is where God lives. And sometimes I hate that.
It's 4:17 a.m., the morning after we brought home our first baby. By "first," I don't mean we plan on having more someday; I mean that there are three more at the hospital that belong to us. My wife had quadruplets three weeks ago, and since the babies were premature, they come home one at a time, when each can handle eating and breathing on his or her own. Emma Grace made it out first, since she goes through a bottle of formula like a frat boy chugging beer.
Having a newborn baby home has been a tremendous blessing ... and a total nightmare. On the one hand, having four healthy babies has been a miracle. Since quad pregnancies are high risk for mom and the babies, anxiety filled the 33 weeks running up to the birth. When they were all born healthy and beautiful except for some typical preemie woes, we rejoiced along with a host of family and friends.
But I'm not rejoicing right now. My wife woke me up at 3 a.m. because the baby needed to eat and our dog was freaking out because some diminutive creature making earsplitting sounds had invaded her territory. I grumbled, rubbed my eyes and went to do what I must. I chilled out our dog, told my wife to go to bed and finished feeding the baby. Since she needs to take some medicine at 5 a.m., I figure I'll stay up instead of sleeping just long enough to get started on a really good dream. Something involving the Caribbean, room service and lots of sleep.
See, I'm not good at this stuff. Don't get me wrong—the love I feel for my children has motivated me to do things, like changing a diaper that looks like a Hershey bar exploded, that I previously thought unbearable. But I hate it when anything messes with my schedule. Make me do something that interferes with my daily workout, and I get pissed. Mess with my sleep, and you'd better bring a weapon. But I can't be like that anymore. I have four little helpless people and an insecure dog depending on me. If this is hard with just one, I’m dead once all four get home. I'd buy stock in Red Bull if I were you.
But this is exactly where I need to be. I accepted Christ at age 7, but I have a feeling that this is where I become a Christian. I have to do something hard just for love rather than glory, money, pleasure or even some spiritual epiphany. For maybe the first time in my life, there's no kickback. Of course, loving my children and watching them grow in wonder and discover awe are huge rewards, but it's gradual. I can’t stand doing something painful and difficult with no immediate gratification. Even when I exercise, I get the immediate removal of guilt for the pizza I ate the day before. When I take care of my kids, I do it just because.
And that's what's going to make me a Christian.
I've been working for The Man in some form for a long time. I was president of my youth group by age 14, an InterVarsity leader in college, a youth pastor by 22, and now I'm a Christian psychologist who writes and speaks in public about Christian things. But if I'm honest, I mainly do that stuff for me. I usually check myself and give God the glory by the end, but I begin most things because something is in it for me. I like the adrenaline rush of tackling tough issues in the name of Christ. It makes me feel cool and smart. I feel neither of those things right now. I feel overwhelmed, jittery from too much caffeine, and my ears are ringing from the last time Emma was screaming.
Yup, this is where I become a Christian, because I can’t pretend I’m doing this for someone else while I lap up all the glory on the sly. I have to do this only for love. I always imagined that God had some Great Thing for me to do before I croaked. I was pretty sure it was writing a best seller or keynote speaking that changes lives. I was wrong. If I can survive being the father of quadruplets, that will be my Great Thing. Not quite as sleek and sexy as having a book crawling up the best-sellers list. Not nearly as hip as speaking at conferences where people tell me how witty and wise I am.
Thank God, because all that other stuff would only make me more full of crap. Even if I accomplish a Great Thing for God, changing a diaper in the middle of the night will do more to make me a real Christian. Jesus sacrificed Himself for the glory of God and the love of humanity. He didn’t do it to make money, to look cool or to feel smart. Learning to sacrifice for my children will go a lot further toward making me like Him than becoming a pithy, popular sage who dispenses edgy Christian wisdom.
Oops, 5 a.m. Gotta give Emma her medicine. I get to do something that isn't about me right now. There's something freeing about that. I don’t have to stress about getting my book published or my next speaking gig. I get to forget about my career for a while. I get to forget about me for a while. I’ll hold Emma Grace in my arms, look into her beautiful eyes and feel a deep, potent love that I’ve never felt before.
This is where God lives. And sometimes I love that.
Dr. Stephen Simpson is a psychologist and the Clinical Director of Fuller Psychological and Family Services at Fuller Theological Seminary. He lives in Southern California with his wife, Shelley, and the quadruplets. Simpson is now addicted to caffeine and bouncy seats.
Recommended Reading:
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Devotions for Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
Devotions for Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
by Steven Simpson
850 WORDS OF RELEVANT :: 06.21.05
This is where God lives. And sometimes I hate that.
It's 4:17 a.m., the morning after we brought home our first baby. By "first," I don't mean we plan on having more someday; I mean that there are three more at the hospital that belong to us. My wife had quadruplets three weeks ago, and since the babies were premature, they come home one at a time, when each can handle eating and breathing on his or her own. Emma Grace made it out first, since she goes through a bottle of formula like a frat boy chugging beer.
Having a newborn baby home has been a tremendous blessing ... and a total nightmare. On the one hand, having four healthy babies has been a miracle. Since quad pregnancies are high risk for mom and the babies, anxiety filled the 33 weeks running up to the birth. When they were all born healthy and beautiful except for some typical preemie woes, we rejoiced along with a host of family and friends.
But I'm not rejoicing right now. My wife woke me up at 3 a.m. because the baby needed to eat and our dog was freaking out because some diminutive creature making earsplitting sounds had invaded her territory. I grumbled, rubbed my eyes and went to do what I must. I chilled out our dog, told my wife to go to bed and finished feeding the baby. Since she needs to take some medicine at 5 a.m., I figure I'll stay up instead of sleeping just long enough to get started on a really good dream. Something involving the Caribbean, room service and lots of sleep.
See, I'm not good at this stuff. Don't get me wrong—the love I feel for my children has motivated me to do things, like changing a diaper that looks like a Hershey bar exploded, that I previously thought unbearable. But I hate it when anything messes with my schedule. Make me do something that interferes with my daily workout, and I get pissed. Mess with my sleep, and you'd better bring a weapon. But I can't be like that anymore. I have four little helpless people and an insecure dog depending on me. If this is hard with just one, I’m dead once all four get home. I'd buy stock in Red Bull if I were you.
But this is exactly where I need to be. I accepted Christ at age 7, but I have a feeling that this is where I become a Christian. I have to do something hard just for love rather than glory, money, pleasure or even some spiritual epiphany. For maybe the first time in my life, there's no kickback. Of course, loving my children and watching them grow in wonder and discover awe are huge rewards, but it's gradual. I can’t stand doing something painful and difficult with no immediate gratification. Even when I exercise, I get the immediate removal of guilt for the pizza I ate the day before. When I take care of my kids, I do it just because.
And that's what's going to make me a Christian.
I've been working for The Man in some form for a long time. I was president of my youth group by age 14, an InterVarsity leader in college, a youth pastor by 22, and now I'm a Christian psychologist who writes and speaks in public about Christian things. But if I'm honest, I mainly do that stuff for me. I usually check myself and give God the glory by the end, but I begin most things because something is in it for me. I like the adrenaline rush of tackling tough issues in the name of Christ. It makes me feel cool and smart. I feel neither of those things right now. I feel overwhelmed, jittery from too much caffeine, and my ears are ringing from the last time Emma was screaming.
Yup, this is where I become a Christian, because I can’t pretend I’m doing this for someone else while I lap up all the glory on the sly. I have to do this only for love. I always imagined that God had some Great Thing for me to do before I croaked. I was pretty sure it was writing a best seller or keynote speaking that changes lives. I was wrong. If I can survive being the father of quadruplets, that will be my Great Thing. Not quite as sleek and sexy as having a book crawling up the best-sellers list. Not nearly as hip as speaking at conferences where people tell me how witty and wise I am.
Thank God, because all that other stuff would only make me more full of crap. Even if I accomplish a Great Thing for God, changing a diaper in the middle of the night will do more to make me a real Christian. Jesus sacrificed Himself for the glory of God and the love of humanity. He didn’t do it to make money, to look cool or to feel smart. Learning to sacrifice for my children will go a lot further toward making me like Him than becoming a pithy, popular sage who dispenses edgy Christian wisdom.
Oops, 5 a.m. Gotta give Emma her medicine. I get to do something that isn't about me right now. There's something freeing about that. I don’t have to stress about getting my book published or my next speaking gig. I get to forget about my career for a while. I get to forget about me for a while. I’ll hold Emma Grace in my arms, look into her beautiful eyes and feel a deep, potent love that I’ve never felt before.
This is where God lives. And sometimes I love that.
Dr. Stephen Simpson is a psychologist and the Clinical Director of Fuller Psychological and Family Services at Fuller Theological Seminary. He lives in Southern California with his wife, Shelley, and the quadruplets. Simpson is now addicted to caffeine and bouncy seats.
Recommended Reading:
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Devotions for Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
Devotions for Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Catching Up
I've been a bit neglectful of my blog lately, but I have been a busy beaver. In the last three weeks, I've been to conferences in Dallas (3 days), Chicago (4 days) and Denver (4 days). Crazy scheduling aside, I had a few "interesting" experiences:
* My hotel was overbooked in Chicago so I had a bit of an inconvenience shuffling to and fro. (To was The Four Seasons, so I didn't mind horribly).
* My taxi taking me to The Four Seasons hit another taxi. (My head's fine...I'm pretty sure!)
* My luggage broke on one of disproportionately high number of escalators not working.
* My luggage was sent to the wrong carousel in Chicago (but it was found an hour later)
* My luggage was lost in Denver (and not found until the day before I returned home. My slightly smaller colleague is my hero of the week).
* Super Shuttle closed while I was making arrangements for my luggage to be delivered to my hotel. (But it was very cool to pass the time with Steve Saint, Mincaye and crew).
* Get message from my dog sitter that my dog swallowed a chicken bone and was being taken to the vet. Many anxious hours later I learn that she's okay (Vet: "She's got the stomach of a goat!" Bailey-sitter: "Her new name is Bailey Goat." Jen: "I prayed that God would dissolve that bone...and He DID!")
* I woke up at 3am to take a 4:30am shuttle to the airport for a 6:25 flight on NorthWORST...that was delayed to 6:35am because of a gate tunnel issue, then 6:45am for a gate change, then 7ish because the air conditioner wasn't working, then 8ish because something on the control panel wasn't working.
* Missed my connection in Minneapolis. Instead of a direct flight home with a first class upgrade, I had a "scenic stop" in Detroit on coach.
* Luggage was lost in GR. Delay caused me to lose my ride home. My Verizon phone decided to stop working, as did my brain. Not my best moment. Apologies to all who had to see that.
* Luggage arrived at my step the following morning. Took a "mental health" day.
That's enough venting. Ahhhhhhh...deep cleansing breath. It's all over and I'm home again.
Lots of good things happened too. Denver is a beautiful city (I had no idea...note to self: must return without pesky work meetings). Met some great people. Got some work done. Will report happy thoughts in next post.
* My hotel was overbooked in Chicago so I had a bit of an inconvenience shuffling to and fro. (To was The Four Seasons, so I didn't mind horribly).
* My taxi taking me to The Four Seasons hit another taxi. (My head's fine...I'm pretty sure!)
* My luggage broke on one of disproportionately high number of escalators not working.
* My luggage was sent to the wrong carousel in Chicago (but it was found an hour later)
* My luggage was lost in Denver (and not found until the day before I returned home. My slightly smaller colleague is my hero of the week).
* Super Shuttle closed while I was making arrangements for my luggage to be delivered to my hotel. (But it was very cool to pass the time with Steve Saint, Mincaye and crew).
* Get message from my dog sitter that my dog swallowed a chicken bone and was being taken to the vet. Many anxious hours later I learn that she's okay (Vet: "She's got the stomach of a goat!" Bailey-sitter: "Her new name is Bailey Goat." Jen: "I prayed that God would dissolve that bone...and He DID!")
* I woke up at 3am to take a 4:30am shuttle to the airport for a 6:25 flight on NorthWORST...that was delayed to 6:35am because of a gate tunnel issue, then 6:45am for a gate change, then 7ish because the air conditioner wasn't working, then 8ish because something on the control panel wasn't working.
* Missed my connection in Minneapolis. Instead of a direct flight home with a first class upgrade, I had a "scenic stop" in Detroit on coach.
* Luggage was lost in GR. Delay caused me to lose my ride home. My Verizon phone decided to stop working, as did my brain. Not my best moment. Apologies to all who had to see that.
* Luggage arrived at my step the following morning. Took a "mental health" day.
That's enough venting. Ahhhhhhh...deep cleansing breath. It's all over and I'm home again.
Lots of good things happened too. Denver is a beautiful city (I had no idea...note to self: must return without pesky work meetings). Met some great people. Got some work done. Will report happy thoughts in next post.
30 Days
Just heard about a new reality show from the creator of SuperSize Me (one of my favorite documentaries).
The FX website has some sobering tools:
The Minimum Wage Calculator - I really dislike Flash for exactly this reason. Click the link, then click "The Challenge" on the bottom left. Then scroll up to find "The Minium Wage Calculator."
Here's the article that piqued my interest. A great challenge for all of us.
The show is on Wednesdays at 10 Eastern...anyone catch an episode yet?
The FX website has some sobering tools:
The Minimum Wage Calculator - I really dislike Flash for exactly this reason. Click the link, then click "The Challenge" on the bottom left. Then scroll up to find "The Minium Wage Calculator."
Here's the article that piqued my interest. A great challenge for all of us.
The show is on Wednesdays at 10 Eastern...anyone catch an episode yet?
Generation EX ponders marriage
Excellent article by Alexandra DeLuca in the July 9, 2005 North County (CA) Times. It's all on target but the title.
Generation Me Ponders Marriage
It seems ironic that our generation is dubbed the "Me Generation" when it was the "self actualizing" choices of our boomer parents that led us down the apathetic, survivalist road. Ah well, we don't care anyway!
Key quote:
By far, divorce is the reason cited by young people for their wariness ofwedlock.
According to the National Marriage Project, 60 percent of young adults intheir late 20s agree that one of their biggest concerns about gettingmarried is that it will end in divorce. Additionally, 52 percent of youngadults say that they see so few good or happy marriages around them that they question marriage as a way of life.
"I have seen so many failed marriages that being with someone who couldpotentially make my life miserable is not something that I'm aspiring to,"said Amy Gomez-Gracesqui, 26, of Albany, N.Y.
Encouraging news:
Data from the National Marriage Institute seem to reflect this attitude: 78 percent of young adults agree a couple should not get married unless they are prepared to stay together for life.
Furthermore, 86 percent of young adults agree that one reason for divorce is too much focus on expectations for happiness and not enough on the hard work needed for a successful union.
***
Perhaps we're not so cynical after all.
Generation Me Ponders Marriage
It seems ironic that our generation is dubbed the "Me Generation" when it was the "self actualizing" choices of our boomer parents that led us down the apathetic, survivalist road. Ah well, we don't care anyway!
Key quote:
By far, divorce is the reason cited by young people for their wariness ofwedlock.
According to the National Marriage Project, 60 percent of young adults intheir late 20s agree that one of their biggest concerns about gettingmarried is that it will end in divorce. Additionally, 52 percent of youngadults say that they see so few good or happy marriages around them that they question marriage as a way of life.
"I have seen so many failed marriages that being with someone who couldpotentially make my life miserable is not something that I'm aspiring to,"said Amy Gomez-Gracesqui, 26, of Albany, N.Y.
Encouraging news:
Data from the National Marriage Institute seem to reflect this attitude: 78 percent of young adults agree a couple should not get married unless they are prepared to stay together for life.
Furthermore, 86 percent of young adults agree that one reason for divorce is too much focus on expectations for happiness and not enough on the hard work needed for a successful union.
***
Perhaps we're not so cynical after all.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Interview Alert: WISN in Milwaukee on July 17
I just recorded an interview with Mel Lawrenz, Pastor of Elmbrook Church in Milwaukee, WI for this Sunday's "Faith Connections" show on WISN. Mel is not only a Generation Ex-friendly interviewer, he's also an author himself. Both Patterns and Putting the Pieces Back Together were published by Zondervan.
The interview should be available online soon.
The interview should be available online soon.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
HomeLife Article - What Stepkids Want You To Know
The August 2005 issue of HomeLife magazine includes my article, "What Stepkids Want You To Know."
The article offers five "lessons the Brady Bunch didn't teach us:
1. We need time to adjust.
2. We need to know it's OK to grieve our loss.
3. We feel torn. Don's ask us to pick sides.
4. We need to feel like we have a say.
5. We need to know we're loved.
...plus resources for "keeping in step."
HomeLife is a LifeWay publication. If you attend a Baptist church, you're likely to find one of the 375,000 copies in your library. Otherwise the magazine is mostly subscription based. I recommend both HomeLife (family oriented) and Christian Single.
The article offers five "lessons the Brady Bunch didn't teach us:
1. We need time to adjust.
2. We need to know it's OK to grieve our loss.
3. We feel torn. Don's ask us to pick sides.
4. We need to feel like we have a say.
5. We need to know we're loved.
...plus resources for "keeping in step."
HomeLife is a LifeWay publication. If you attend a Baptist church, you're likely to find one of the 375,000 copies in your library. Otherwise the magazine is mostly subscription based. I recommend both HomeLife (family oriented) and Christian Single.
Attitude Adjusting
Another great devotional from my friends at Proverbs 31. I'm reminded of the Chuck Swindoll quote, "Life is10% what happens to you, and 90% your response to it." A good reminder as I head out for another (hopefully much less eventful) trip this weekend.
July 7, 2005
"Living in the Fast Lane and Looking for an Exit!" - Part 2
Micca Campbell
Director of Outreach, Proverbs 31 Speaker Team Member
Key Verse:
Romans 12:2, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and the perfect will of God." (NKJ)
Devotion:
Chippie the parakeet never saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage. The next he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over. The problems began when Chippie's owner decided to clean his cage with a vacuum cleaner. She removed the attachment from the end of the hose and stuck it in the cage. That’s when the phone rang. The bird owner turned to pick up the phone and barely said "hello" when "s-s-s-s-lurp" … Chippie got sucked in.
The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the vacuum, and opened the bag. There was Chippie – still alive, but stunned. The bird was covered with dust and soot. The owner grabbed him, raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under the running water. Then, realizing that Chippie was now soaked and shivering, she did what any compassionate bird owner would do . . . she reached for the hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air. Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.
A few days after the trauma, the reporter who had initially written about the event contacted Chippie's owner to see how the bird was recovering. "Well," she replied, "Chippie doesn't sing much anymore. He just sits and stares." It's hard not to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over is enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.
Like Chippie, life in the fast lane can make us feel sucked in, washed up and blown over, too. Especially when we have to take a detour for which we hadn’t planned. While detours seem to make life more hectic, I have good news. A few extra bumps in the road doesn’t have to mean more stress in our lives. We can find peace and balance even on a detour. The secret is to trust God, enjoy the scenery, and change the way we think about the detour.
It’s not your circumstance that gets you down. It’s what you think about your circumstance – and we can choose what we think about. No one can make us think ugly thoughts toward someone who has hurt us. No one can make us think jealously about what our neighbor owns compared to what we have. And no one can make us think lustful thoughts about our co-worker … not even the enemy. He may plant those thoughts, but it is us who waters them, coddles them, and causes them to grow. What is the result? Strongholds.
When we allow wrong thinking to guide us, eventually strongholds such as anger, bitterness, pride, arrogance, and unforgiveness will take root and choke out our peace, contentment and joy.
This is why Paul challenges us to “transform our minds” from worldly thinking to Godly thinking. How do we do that? By developing the mind of Christ through studying and memorizing His Word. Once God’s Word is in our minds, it works like a sword and cuts off our old way of thinking. Then, we no longer have to ask, “What would Jesus do?” We can KNOW exactly what Jesus would do in any situation, once we take the time to develop the “mind of Christ.”
Thinking the way God intended is the antidote to wrong thinking. Once you’re in His Word, the scales will fall from your eyes and they will become wide open! Then you will be able to see truth that sets you free from all that binds you. Once again, you’ll find yourself back on the right road that leads to a life of peace and contentment.Author John Maxwell in his book, Thinking for a Change, writes:
Change the way you think and it will change your beliefs.
Change your beliefs and you'll change your expectation.
Change your expectation and you'll change your attitude.
Change your attitude and you'll change your behavior.
Change your behavior and you'll change your life.
God has not taken His hands off the wheel of your life. You have not escaped His attention. He knows where you are on this detour. Though He may seem a million miles away, God is there. He is your ever-present help. You can trust Him in the desert detour. You are not there by accident. It is in the barren land that God is working to break the chains that bind you and restore the song in your heart. So, don’t believe the lies. Instead, accept His divine detour, embrace His plan, and trust His heart. It’s the only way to think.
My Prayer for Today:
Dear Lord, I don’t want to believe lies about you or my situation any more. Help me to trust you while on this detour. Help me to see that you are guiding my life and I’m not alone. Help me to learn what you are tying to teach me so I can be more like Christ. Amen.
If you want to "go deeper" click here http://proverbs31.gospelcom.net/devotion.htm
July 7, 2005
"Living in the Fast Lane and Looking for an Exit!" - Part 2
Micca Campbell
Director of Outreach, Proverbs 31 Speaker Team Member
Key Verse:
Romans 12:2, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and the perfect will of God." (NKJ)
Devotion:
Chippie the parakeet never saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage. The next he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over. The problems began when Chippie's owner decided to clean his cage with a vacuum cleaner. She removed the attachment from the end of the hose and stuck it in the cage. That’s when the phone rang. The bird owner turned to pick up the phone and barely said "hello" when "s-s-s-s-lurp" … Chippie got sucked in.
The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the vacuum, and opened the bag. There was Chippie – still alive, but stunned. The bird was covered with dust and soot. The owner grabbed him, raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under the running water. Then, realizing that Chippie was now soaked and shivering, she did what any compassionate bird owner would do . . . she reached for the hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air. Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.
A few days after the trauma, the reporter who had initially written about the event contacted Chippie's owner to see how the bird was recovering. "Well," she replied, "Chippie doesn't sing much anymore. He just sits and stares." It's hard not to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over is enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.
Like Chippie, life in the fast lane can make us feel sucked in, washed up and blown over, too. Especially when we have to take a detour for which we hadn’t planned. While detours seem to make life more hectic, I have good news. A few extra bumps in the road doesn’t have to mean more stress in our lives. We can find peace and balance even on a detour. The secret is to trust God, enjoy the scenery, and change the way we think about the detour.
It’s not your circumstance that gets you down. It’s what you think about your circumstance – and we can choose what we think about. No one can make us think ugly thoughts toward someone who has hurt us. No one can make us think jealously about what our neighbor owns compared to what we have. And no one can make us think lustful thoughts about our co-worker … not even the enemy. He may plant those thoughts, but it is us who waters them, coddles them, and causes them to grow. What is the result? Strongholds.
When we allow wrong thinking to guide us, eventually strongholds such as anger, bitterness, pride, arrogance, and unforgiveness will take root and choke out our peace, contentment and joy.
This is why Paul challenges us to “transform our minds” from worldly thinking to Godly thinking. How do we do that? By developing the mind of Christ through studying and memorizing His Word. Once God’s Word is in our minds, it works like a sword and cuts off our old way of thinking. Then, we no longer have to ask, “What would Jesus do?” We can KNOW exactly what Jesus would do in any situation, once we take the time to develop the “mind of Christ.”
Thinking the way God intended is the antidote to wrong thinking. Once you’re in His Word, the scales will fall from your eyes and they will become wide open! Then you will be able to see truth that sets you free from all that binds you. Once again, you’ll find yourself back on the right road that leads to a life of peace and contentment.Author John Maxwell in his book, Thinking for a Change, writes:
Change the way you think and it will change your beliefs.
Change your beliefs and you'll change your expectation.
Change your expectation and you'll change your attitude.
Change your attitude and you'll change your behavior.
Change your behavior and you'll change your life.
God has not taken His hands off the wheel of your life. You have not escaped His attention. He knows where you are on this detour. Though He may seem a million miles away, God is there. He is your ever-present help. You can trust Him in the desert detour. You are not there by accident. It is in the barren land that God is working to break the chains that bind you and restore the song in your heart. So, don’t believe the lies. Instead, accept His divine detour, embrace His plan, and trust His heart. It’s the only way to think.
My Prayer for Today:
Dear Lord, I don’t want to believe lies about you or my situation any more. Help me to trust you while on this detour. Help me to see that you are guiding my life and I’m not alone. Help me to learn what you are tying to teach me so I can be more like Christ. Amen.
If you want to "go deeper" click here http://proverbs31.gospelcom.net/devotion.htm
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Divorce, the Supreme Adult Selfishness?
Rex M. Rogers is the president of Cornerstone University here in GR. He has a daily radio program in which he offers 2 minute thoughts on a variety of topics. This weekend he discussed divorce as the supreme adult selfishness. It's hard for me not to agree.
At the same time, one of the challenges in having a good discussion on the damage of divorce is that the divorce decision is so varied. Even thought the effects of divorce on children are nearly universally negative (in the rare cases of abuse, divorce is the lesser of two evils. And while we are resilient, let's not call how we cope a "benefit.") divorced parents can't be so broadly labeled. There are divorced parents who didn't want a divorce, but live in a nation where 1 vote to divorce trumps 1 vote to reconcile. There are those who leave a spouse to save their children or themselves from sexual or physical abuse.
It seems that here in the States the supreme adult selfishness is intolerance. We've become so fearful of offending someone that we water down and waver our thoughts and opinions. We don't want to pronounce anything as wrong, then wonder why so much evil is allowed.
Divorce is a supreme adult selfishness, often transferring the tension between parents to the tender shoulders of their children. As I write those words, the faces of friends and family who didn't want divorce, who needed to protect themselves and their kids come to mind. I wrestle with my words. I want them to be strong and weighty and effective to encourage couples to stick it out, but still gracious and loving to those hurt by them. I'm come to the conclusion that my heart's call is to defend the children, especially those too young to speak for themselves. Adults are resilient. They can handle the offense if my words don't apply to their situation.
It seems we all have our pet sin. And we accept God's grace so flippantly. "I can do this thing now because God will forgive me later." I wonder sometimes--and I welcome the feedback from my more theologically-minded friends--if the unforgiveable sin is choosing to sin willfully with such casual care for the cost to Christ.
Yesterday I finished reading Blue Like Jazz. The final chapter really hit me hard. The author writes of a relationship that didn't work because as much as his girlfriend offered love, he wasn't able to receive it. He then reflected on Christ's call to love our neighbors as ourselves. His point wasn't that we needed to love our neighbor more, but rather, we need to be able to receive love ourselves, not only from others, but from ourselves, and most importantly, from God.
I've been chewing on this thought all night. When our inner thoughts are more critical of ourselves that we would let ourselves be toward others, we have a problem. We are not receiving the love of Christ, and our hearts cannot impart that which they do not possess. It's difficult to accept love when you've observed that love must be earned, but to deem yourself as unlovable when the God who created you loves you is an ultimate act of self-righteousness. I'm saying with my thoughts that my evaluation of my worth is more credible than God's valuation. Ouch.
God, forgive me of my pride. Let me love--and receive love--as You intend.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Broken Home Makes Angelina Jolie Self-Reliant
Tuesday, 28 June , 2005, 13:03
Broken Home Makes Angelina Jolie Self-Reliant
Washington : Coming from a broken home has made Angelina Jolie the self-sufficient woman she is today, if she is to be believed. According to Femalefirst, her parents split when she was just three. She had infrequent contact with her dad after the divorce. "I don't know if my childhood was any worse that anyone else's. But it is disturbing and sad when you see one parent figure not respecting the other. That probably had a great effect on me wanting to be self-sufficient," she was quoted as saying. "I was raised feeling that I didn't want the ground to be taken away from me, and so by the age of 14, I was already working. I didn't want to ask for help from anybody, and that extended into my own marriages," she added.
Jen's Jottings:
In 1969, the first no-fault divorce law was passed. Within 15 years, all 50 states had adopted no-fault divorce laws. Marriage & divorce became matters of personal preference and the number of children experiencing parental divorce exceeded one million a year. In the years since, social ideas about the impact of divorce was seen primarily through the perspective of adults, particularly parents who really wanted to believe that their "resilient kids" had adjusted just fine, thank you very much.
One of the interesting trends to see, coming from the other side, is how often our coping mechanisms are lauded as evidence of how well we've adapted, and in some cases, proof that the "divorce was actually a good thing." And the fact that we aren't likely to refute our parents' assumptions only perpetuates the assumption. But what's difficult for our parents to understand is that our internal loyalty conflicts often drive our successes. When Mom and Dad tell us they don't love each other any more, but still love us, we are left with an uncomfortable realization that love is something that goes away. If Mom and Dad love us today, when they loved our other parent yesterday, than really, what confidence do we have that our parents will love us tomorrow?
In my conversations with other children of divorce, 3 common coping mechanisms to this dilemma emerge. Mind you, these patterns are subconscious responses, a way to makes sense of chaos out of our control.
1. The Rebel. The Rebel has received the most attention over the years. Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school, have behavioral problems, get in trouble with the law, have sex at earlier ages, have children outside of marriage, etc. etc. What you don't hear as often is the driving force behind these actions. If a child believes that love (and the stability it creates at home) can't be trusted, then what motivation is there to "be good?" These kids are certainly responsible for their choices, but those called upon to help them often makes things worse by pooh-poohing the source of the hurt.
2. The Perfectionist. By far the most common, and least understood response, is perfectionism. If a child believes that mom (or dad) doesn't love the other parent anymore, then that parent must have done something wrong to become unlovable. (Most children of divorce don't believe the divorce was their fault, but they do wrestle to believe that their parents love for them will last when the love they chose in marriage didn't). If mom chose to love dad (and vice versa) by marrying him, and now she doesn't, how much more pressure does the child--who wasn't chosen--face to prove their worthiness of love--not only to mom and dad, but to everyone else in their life. Children of divorce are compelled to succeed, because success and goodness gives others a reason to love them. Unfortunately, in our quest for success, we can easily fall over the line to uber-independence. We experience success and then believe that we don't need anyone after all. As adults, we crave love, but realize that success in other forms is much easier to attain and sustain. And far too often, we deny our desire to love and receive love.
3. The Internalizer. This is the fastest growing group. The internalizer, hurt by the break up of his/her family makes a subconscious rule that they won't be hurt again. Instead, he, or more commonly, she, will hurt herself. Again, control is the name of the game. The two most common signs of the internalizer are eating disorders and cutting. With eating disorders, a smaller number on the scale offers compelling evidence of control over one self, and the affirmation of others fuels her motivation. With cutting, she still experiences pain, but at least she is in control of the how and when. Seeing her blood and feeling that pain assures her that she CAN still feel, and again, is in control of her pain.
Broken Home Makes Angelina Jolie Self-Reliant
Washington : Coming from a broken home has made Angelina Jolie the self-sufficient woman she is today, if she is to be believed. According to Femalefirst, her parents split when she was just three. She had infrequent contact with her dad after the divorce. "I don't know if my childhood was any worse that anyone else's. But it is disturbing and sad when you see one parent figure not respecting the other. That probably had a great effect on me wanting to be self-sufficient," she was quoted as saying. "I was raised feeling that I didn't want the ground to be taken away from me, and so by the age of 14, I was already working. I didn't want to ask for help from anybody, and that extended into my own marriages," she added.
Jen's Jottings:
In 1969, the first no-fault divorce law was passed. Within 15 years, all 50 states had adopted no-fault divorce laws. Marriage & divorce became matters of personal preference and the number of children experiencing parental divorce exceeded one million a year. In the years since, social ideas about the impact of divorce was seen primarily through the perspective of adults, particularly parents who really wanted to believe that their "resilient kids" had adjusted just fine, thank you very much.
One of the interesting trends to see, coming from the other side, is how often our coping mechanisms are lauded as evidence of how well we've adapted, and in some cases, proof that the "divorce was actually a good thing." And the fact that we aren't likely to refute our parents' assumptions only perpetuates the assumption. But what's difficult for our parents to understand is that our internal loyalty conflicts often drive our successes. When Mom and Dad tell us they don't love each other any more, but still love us, we are left with an uncomfortable realization that love is something that goes away. If Mom and Dad love us today, when they loved our other parent yesterday, than really, what confidence do we have that our parents will love us tomorrow?
In my conversations with other children of divorce, 3 common coping mechanisms to this dilemma emerge. Mind you, these patterns are subconscious responses, a way to makes sense of chaos out of our control.
1. The Rebel. The Rebel has received the most attention over the years. Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school, have behavioral problems, get in trouble with the law, have sex at earlier ages, have children outside of marriage, etc. etc. What you don't hear as often is the driving force behind these actions. If a child believes that love (and the stability it creates at home) can't be trusted, then what motivation is there to "be good?" These kids are certainly responsible for their choices, but those called upon to help them often makes things worse by pooh-poohing the source of the hurt.
2. The Perfectionist. By far the most common, and least understood response, is perfectionism. If a child believes that mom (or dad) doesn't love the other parent anymore, then that parent must have done something wrong to become unlovable. (Most children of divorce don't believe the divorce was their fault, but they do wrestle to believe that their parents love for them will last when the love they chose in marriage didn't). If mom chose to love dad (and vice versa) by marrying him, and now she doesn't, how much more pressure does the child--who wasn't chosen--face to prove their worthiness of love--not only to mom and dad, but to everyone else in their life. Children of divorce are compelled to succeed, because success and goodness gives others a reason to love them. Unfortunately, in our quest for success, we can easily fall over the line to uber-independence. We experience success and then believe that we don't need anyone after all. As adults, we crave love, but realize that success in other forms is much easier to attain and sustain. And far too often, we deny our desire to love and receive love.
3. The Internalizer. This is the fastest growing group. The internalizer, hurt by the break up of his/her family makes a subconscious rule that they won't be hurt again. Instead, he, or more commonly, she, will hurt herself. Again, control is the name of the game. The two most common signs of the internalizer are eating disorders and cutting. With eating disorders, a smaller number on the scale offers compelling evidence of control over one self, and the affirmation of others fuels her motivation. With cutting, she still experiences pain, but at least she is in control of the how and when. Seeing her blood and feeling that pain assures her that she CAN still feel, and again, is in control of her pain.
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