Attraction Distraction

For some reason, I'm feeling sentimental these days...thought I'd share a poem from the archives. Most of my poetry is prayer-oriented, and the quest for love has been a common theme. It's encouraging to read this now and see how much love has taken root, not only in my hope, but finally in my heart.

The Attraction Distraction, Revisited

This possibility of love is an intriguing thing
I am enamored by enamor
But am I really willing to allow this potential
Take the place of Your certainty?

You love unconditionally
You love completely
You love indefinitely
You define love
Because You are Love.

Why am I so afraid of what I desire?
I know that in You and through You
I too, have the capacity to love.
But it is so much more comfortable to live
Within the sheltered confines of theoretical,
Than plunge into the uncharted depths of practical.

Why is it that I am cannot expect what You daily give me?
Unconditional love.
Why, after years of receiving Your love,
Can I not believe that someone else would love me as much?
Forgive me for my doubt, but won’t there always be someone
Prettier?
Thinner?
Sweeter?
Stronger?…

This attraction is a distraction I do not want.
With You alone, I know the rules. I know my destiny.
With this desire for human love,
I am at risk.
My heart is in jeopardy of breaking.
I have learned not to give my heart to one who does not ask for it,
Yet I am caught between friends and more.
I understand friendship.
I am comfortably at ease.
It is the and more that confuses me,
Fills me with doubt, apprehension and still…desire.
I wonder what I’m missing and how I, too, can discover it.
Is there a whole other part of life I am lacking?

What has happened to me that I think You are not enough?
Who put this desire for human companionship in me?
And why doesn’t it correlate with someone who wants me now?
Where have I strayed that the idols of this world beckon me?
Am I now weak that I want this?

Is there really someone out there for me?
You have blessed me abundantly, is it greedy to desire more?
What will he look like?
How will I recognize him?
I pray for him today and everyday, until I know
That he is he, or that You want me solely for Your own.
I pray that he is seeking You, much more so than me,
And even perhaps in his pursuit of You, he has overlooked me.
I ask that he is a man of integrity and upright character.
A man who knows his future, because he trusts You for it.
I desire a partner in life, with shared vision and hopes.
Someone with whom I can serve You better together than alone.
I hope for a man of commitment: to his word, to his creed and to me.
I need to be assured of his love for me.
I don’t want to repeat my parent’s past.
Let Your love bind us together, through our insecurities and disappointments.
I want so much to demonstrate a human picture of Your love.

Thank You for my future
And all the things I do not yet see.
Thank You for loving me through my fear.
Thank You for embracing me with the hugs of friends.
Thank You for healing me with a desire to give what I have been given.
Thank You for this hope renewed.

Love and marriage are good things.
You call them so.
But this in-between is a distraction I do not want.
True love is a reflection of Your character.
Let me pursue that.

Help to be patient as I wait for the man You planned for me.
Let me be kind as I winnow out the ones You didn’t.
I don’t want to show envy to those who have found a life long friend.
You have given me so much, I pray that you keep me humble, so I do not boast.
I know it is not my own doing, but Your generous grace, so I am not proud.
When jealous thoughts overtake me, I pray that You prevent me from being rude.
When my desires overwhelm me, I ask that You keep me from actions that are self-seeking.
Grant me a gentle spirit, I do not want to be easily angered.
Let me delight in the truth of Your love around me.
And most of all, not matter what I see, no matter what I feel
No matter what I think or experience,
Give me overflowing confidence in the love You have for me.
Give me an unending supply of commitment to always protect Your integrity,
always hope in You as my true Groom,
and always persevere to become your true image bearer.
Let this be my one and only desire.

Jen Abbas
8/27/00