A Conversation With God About Desire

My 24-year-old sister recently asked me to be her bridesmaid. Did I mention that this is my younger…make that much younger sister? Carisa is a stunningly beautiful woman, inside and out. Truly…she modeled to pay for college. I am so happy for her, and her fiancé is a great guy. Carisa has had guys tripping over her since she hit puberty and I like to remind her that when she became part of my life as a five-year-old, she used to think I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It was a little annoying as a teenager to have a little kid follow you around, but inside, it was pretty cool to be adored. Funny how time changes things. Today I envy her.

I heard a speaker say this week that the average age of first marriage for Gen X’ers is 30. Makes sense, the generation raised with divorce is afraid of marriage. But millennials like my sister, are the most nurtured generation, and their maternal and paternal instincts haven’t been as stuffed as ours. So they’re tying the knot a lot earlier.

All this marriage talk has got me thinking again about my own lack of matrimonial prospects. I dug out a poem I wrote a few years back as I wrestled to live with my longing. For some reason, I’m feeling fearless today—perhaps it has something to do with the fact that anyone who wants to know my insecurities only has to visit their local bookstore to read all about it. So I’ve decided to share my poem with you. Maybe some of you out there will sense that you aren’t alone either. I’d love to hear what you think.

A Conversation With God About Desire
Lover of my soul,
Forgive me for my doubt
My past precedes my thinking
And I struggle to grasp Your grace
I say that I love you
Yet I take my delight
In my desire for another’s love
How can You continue to love me
In spite of my idolatry?
I want to be a treasured priority
And yet I give You secondary affection
The ghost of my hope comes first in my heart
Help me to want to want what is right.
Fill my mind with this unshakable truth:
I am infinitely loved and intricately designed
For a purpose and a plan that is yet to be revealed
Help me to take captive every thought
That leads me away from the truth that frees me
And give me the strength to hurtle it out of mind.
I question Your love
Yet ignore the love letter You wrote me
Thank You for Your promise to cherish me.
Let me see beyond my circumstances
And daily find cause to rejoice
Not so much because of my circumstances
But because I am not alone in them
Thank You for Your pledge to never leave me.
Regardless of my feelings, I know You will never forsake me.
I have no need to worry about my future
Because You already know it and are in it.
Let me carry my concerns to the cradle of Your arms
With gratitude and trust
Unclench my hands and melt my hardened heart
Open my eyes to see that You delight in me
Even when you deny me
The fulfillment of my most urgent desire.
Fill me with a peace that trusts
Even when the thing hoped for seems hopeless
Guard my heart in the safety of your sentry.
Guard my mind with thoughts that are true:
I am loved and I am worthy of love.
I am Your princess, and your intentions toward me are noble.
Your ways are right
Your desire for me is purity
Of heart, mind, body and spirit
And a character and countenance that is altogether lovely.
When I am tempted to look around for love
Gently pull my face to Your gaze
And let me see all that is admirable
In your personified perfection.
You are altogether excellent and praiseworthy.
Let me have no other thought
Than to love You and serve You
To learn from You and honor You
To find my contentment only in You.
So for now, I ask from you
Peace and patience
As I continue to wait for that day
When You bring another to join my journey.

-Jen Abbas
10/29/02