Ryan from Reason to Believe posted this review of Generation Ex:
I live in the United States where the divorce rate hovers between 50 and 60 percent. Tragically the rate of divorce for those who claim the name of Jesus is the same as those whom do not.
Another way to look at it is like this; as summer rolls around and the wedding season gears up, you may be invited to several weddings. At each and every wedding you attend, as the couple begins to recite their vows of love and commitment for each other, pull out a small coin from your pocket and flip it into the air. Heads the couple will stay together and tails they won’t.
I'm not trying to be cynical, rather that is the sad reality of our culture. But what is even more devastating is the impact that divorce will have on their children. As we move from a generation where a divorce was a cause for public shame, to a generation where divorce is accepted and oftentimes encouraged, we are just now beginning to see some of the consequences the decision to divorce has.
“Adult children of divorce” (ACOD) is the term given to those whose parents have divorced (when they were children or adults) and are now adults preparing for, or are already in a committed marriage. Many of these ACODs are just now beginning to see the traumatic effects their parents divorce have had on them.
From the back cover:
Finally, a book for adult children of divorce, written by an adult child of divorce.
One of the hardest truths about divorce is that every split – no matter when it occurs – will have lifelong effects on the children caught in the crossfire. While most people acknowledge our pain during our parents’ parting, few of us realize that our most significant insecurities, questions, and doubts may not show up until years later, when we seek our own intimate relationships as adults.
In fact, millions of adult children of divorce feel lost, displaced, or unwanted years after the ink has dried on their parents’ divorce decree. Like them, you may fear abandonment, betrayal, or failure in your own marriage. Despite outward successes, you may doubt your emotional abilities. You may notice that your parents’ divorce affects you more each year, not less.
You are not alone!
Through research, interviews, and personal stories, Generation Ex will help you understand the effect of your parents’ divorce on your identity, faith, and relationships and will give you the tools you need to create a dramatically different legacy.
Includes: questions for reflections.
This book is not a “quick fix” or a “self-help” rather it is designed to help you unlock the doors of your painful past, with the help of someone who knows how you are feeling, and allows you to begin the healing process.
If you are an Adult Child of Divorce, are married to an ADOC, are contemplating a divorce, or have already divorced, I HIGHLY recommend this book. I’d also recommend this book as an addition to pre-marital counseling curriculum when either person is from a divorced home.
You can purchase the book through Family Life by CLICKING HERE.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Book Review: Families.com (Valerie Nelson)
I really appreciate this review from Valerie Nelson of Families.com. When I was writing Generation Ex, I did so with some trepidation about what divorced parents would think--especially my own! At the same time, I wanted to be an advocate for all the other children of divorce who weren't able to express their own feelings. I realized that what I would say would be difficult for parents to hear, but also necessary for reconciling divorced parents and children. So I wrote as honestly and graciously as I could. I'm so happy that Ms. Nelson got that.
Book Review: Generation Ex
by Valerie Nelson
Divorce affects each person differently. In her book called Generation Ex, Jen Abbas explains the effects that divorce has on children and how we tend to carry them through to adulthood. Since the 1970's when no fault divorce laws were adopted, over a million children per year have been affected by divorce. Currently, nearly half of all children's families will experience divorce before that child reaches adulthood.
The author's catchy title "Generation Ex" stems from the understanding that the first generation (or largest up to that time)of children of divorce that grew up in the 70's and 80's are now into adulthood and oftentimes taking with them the emotional scars of divorce.
Jen tells us in her book that she seems to be more affected by her parents divorce each year, not less, and that divorce is not just a bump in the road that is easily overcome. Listed on pages 11 & 12 of the book are some of the effects of divorce that carry into adulthood:
I agree with a lot of what the author said, and found the book intriguing because my parents divorced after I was married. I thought that their divorce did not affect me because I was already an adult living my own married life. The book helped shed some light upon the truth that the divorce, and maybe more so the bad marriage prior to the divorce, did have an effect on me and still does today.
As a woman who has gone through divorce, and still wants the very best for her children, some parts of the book where the author posed tough questions and honest thoughts were difficult for me to read. For example on page 12, Jen writes:
If our parents' decision to divorce were truly a healthy one because it offered the potential for a happier home, then why do so many of us still struggle decades later with issues of abandonment, trust, commitment, and making our own marriages work?
Divorce is often the defining event of our life, and the implications of our parents' choice continue to ripple throughout our life.
Ouch, that hurts. So does divorce. It hurts all parties involved at some level.
Even though some of the book was difficult to read, I stil recommend it because it is written from the viewpoint of an adult who has grown up in a family that experienced two divorces-both her parents, and then her mother and step father's breakups. In addition, Jen Abbas is open and honest about the wide range of emotions due to divorce that she and many others feel throughout their lives. I think the book could be an important communication tool to utilize as our children grow and potentially experience some of the same difficulties discussed in the book.
Book Review: Generation Ex
by Valerie Nelson
Divorce affects each person differently. In her book called Generation Ex, Jen Abbas explains the effects that divorce has on children and how we tend to carry them through to adulthood. Since the 1970's when no fault divorce laws were adopted, over a million children per year have been affected by divorce. Currently, nearly half of all children's families will experience divorce before that child reaches adulthood.
The author's catchy title "Generation Ex" stems from the understanding that the first generation (or largest up to that time)of children of divorce that grew up in the 70's and 80's are now into adulthood and oftentimes taking with them the emotional scars of divorce.
Jen tells us in her book that she seems to be more affected by her parents divorce each year, not less, and that divorce is not just a bump in the road that is easily overcome. Listed on pages 11 & 12 of the book are some of the effects of divorce that carry into adulthood:
- Fear of falling in love, even with a strong desire to do so.
- Turning into a perfectionist.
- Fear that even if someone says, "I love you," ultimately that person might leave you.
- Trust comes in hard-earned degrees.
- You are not sure where home is, or you aren't so sure you want to accept the home that society has defined for you.
- You have holes in your history.
- You aren't sure what a healthy marriage looks like.
I agree with a lot of what the author said, and found the book intriguing because my parents divorced after I was married. I thought that their divorce did not affect me because I was already an adult living my own married life. The book helped shed some light upon the truth that the divorce, and maybe more so the bad marriage prior to the divorce, did have an effect on me and still does today.
As a woman who has gone through divorce, and still wants the very best for her children, some parts of the book where the author posed tough questions and honest thoughts were difficult for me to read. For example on page 12, Jen writes:
If our parents' decision to divorce were truly a healthy one because it offered the potential for a happier home, then why do so many of us still struggle decades later with issues of abandonment, trust, commitment, and making our own marriages work?
Divorce is often the defining event of our life, and the implications of our parents' choice continue to ripple throughout our life.
Ouch, that hurts. So does divorce. It hurts all parties involved at some level.
Even though some of the book was difficult to read, I stil recommend it because it is written from the viewpoint of an adult who has grown up in a family that experienced two divorces-both her parents, and then her mother and step father's breakups. In addition, Jen Abbas is open and honest about the wide range of emotions due to divorce that she and many others feel throughout their lives. I think the book could be an important communication tool to utilize as our children grow and potentially experience some of the same difficulties discussed in the book.
Rethinking Remarriage
Every so often I find an article that quotes my book or an interview I've given. In the article below, Lynn Barton wonders if it is right for Christians with small children to remarry; she writes from experience
One Sunday as I was staffing my church’s book table, a divorced mom asked me if we had any books for someone like her. She said she had been unable to find any that applied to her situation. Since there are now many Christian books on divorce, I was confused at first. But after talking a bit, she explained that she had decided she would not remarry until her child was grown, and she had not been able to find any books that address her particular conviction. I couldn’t help her: I couldn’t think of a book for divorced parents that didn’t assume remarriage.
As someone who grew up in a stepfamily, I think she has made a wise decision. I have been waiting for a Christian leader to at least suggest that divorced parents consider holding off on remarriage while their children are young, but to my knowledge it hasn’t happened. Although there are now a number of Christian books written to help divorced parents, they simply expect remarriage will occur. They all focus on managing the many difficulties stepfamilies encounter, without questioning the wisdom of creating one in the first place.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who never shrinks from controversy, is the only person whom I have ever heard tackle the conventional wisdom on this subject. Perhaps others hesitate because to explore this honestly might discourage those who are in the thick of stepfamily challenges already. So here I am, jumping in where most apparently fear to tread, and I feel it too. I have remarried friends I love and respect, and I don’t want to offend or discourage them, or anyone for that matter. As for what scripture says about remarriage, I leave that to our spiritual leaders. I only want to share my experience to help parents better understand what it’s like for a child to go through Mom and Dad’s divorce and possible remarriage. Perhaps I can equip parents to better help their children through the ordeal by discussing some long-overdue but hard truths.
The first is this: inevitably, divorce is a crisis where adult desires have been placed above the needs of children. I say this not to beat up on already divorced people, but because it bears on the question of remarriage. I do understand that sometimes divorce is unavoidable. There may be serious sin that breaks the marriage covenant. Divorce may be imposed by one spouse on the other. But when divorce happens, at least one of the parents has placed their own desires over the good of their children.
Not surprisingly, the world is right there to support that path. How often have we been told by marriage counselors, magazine article "experts" or our own friends, that "children are resilient?" That if the parents are happy, children will be happy too? Three decades of promoting this nonsense has resulted in the destructions of millions of families: it destroyed mine.
Much research has shown the damage that divorce does to children, and catalogued the lifelong issues they struggle with as they try to recover from the breakup of their family. Yet popular culture has not caught up with these realities, and no doubt does not want to. Saddest of all, those in the church divorce at the same rate as those outside of it. We Christians have apparently absorbed worldly lies in place of God’s truth, and our children have paid the price.
The central defining event of my life was my parents’ divorce when I was nine, the same age as my daughter is now. In her face, I see something of my own: I see unquestioning trust in her parents to protect and care for her. It amazes me. How could anyone believe that divorce would not traumatize children, or if it did, that they would soon bounce back?
To have your world shattered and your heart torn in two at such a tender age teaches many lessons about love, trust, forgiveness, marriage and family, all of them negative. Children of divorce will need to spend a lifetime unlearning them as their implications unfold in the different seasons of life, but especially when making their own decisions about marriage and family. For those wrestling with the emotional fallout of their parents’ divorce, or divorced parents who want to better understand their children’s world, I recommend Generation Ex by Jen Abbas. She writes,
As I entered adulthood anticipating my hard-earned independence, I was stunned to discover that my parents’ divorces seemed to affect me more each year, not less. Even though I was successful academically and professionally, I found myself becoming more insecure each year about my emotional abilities....when it came to love, I was paralyzed because what I wanted so desperately was that which I feared the most.
As she describes her own experience with her parents’ multiple divorces and interviews many others, she shows that the past does not have to dictate the future, because "instead of choosing to focus on what we have missed, we have the incredible opportunity to embrace what we, as Christians, have gained." There is no hurt that God cannot heal, and her book helps point the way.
Let’s say, for whatever reason, a family has been broken apart by divorce. Now what? It’s very understandable that parents would look forward to remarriage. To be loved again after such painful rejection, to enjoy companionship instead of loneliness, to have help raising your children. But how do children feel about it? Listen to Charles, the protaganist in Barbara Park’s novel My Mother Got Married and Other Disasters, who describes it this way: "Stepfamily" means "stepping aside so that a man who’s not your father can hold your mother’s hand."
That’s exactly how I felt when my mother remarried a year after our parent’s divorce. My mom thought it would be good for us children to have a male role model, to grow up seeing how a marriage works. But I was still reeling from the breakup of my family and the relegation of my father to twice monthly visits. Now I lost my mom too. Suddenly her attention was focused on making this new marriage work. My two younger sisters and I had been replaced in her affections and priorities. We were now on the outside looking in. We each bore our grief and confusion alone, not understanding why we felt abandoned when our mom was still with us. It wasn’t until we were adults and began to compare notes that we discovered we each felt the same way.
We gamely tried to embrace what we were told: we were lucky. We would have a new dad! But we didn’t want a new dad. We already had one, and we missed him terribly. Now suddenly there was this new person in my house, someone to whom I had no particular connection and did not want one, someone who immediately assumed the full rights and authority of a father. It was a triple whammy. First I had lost my dad, now my mom and even my sense of home. My home had become his castle. There was a new sheriff in town.
My mother did not at all understand my unhappiness. It angered her that I clung to my dad who didn’t deserve my loyalty (since he left us) and had no gratitude toward the knight who had come to our rescue. The fact that our stepdad was willing to take on a wife with three young children made him a hero in her eyes (our dad was, of course, the villain). I could intellectually understand her point, but I still loved my dad. I soon learned it was dangerous to tell her how I really felt. Every time I tried, I was chastised severely. Eventually I decided I would never again tell her what was really going on with me. And I never did. You can imagine what that meant for my teen years. She would plead with me to talk to her, but I wouldn’t. I knew she didn’t want to hear what was in my heart. Besides, by that time I had learned to be angry too.
My mom and stepfather were well meaning people. They wanted a happy and healthy family. But they had no clue how their marriage affected us children. I now believe that behind the fierceness of my mom’s anger toward me was really fear, fear that my unhappiness would break up this new marriage. I understood clearly that my stepdad was her first priority, and that made me feel unloved, that she chose him over us. There is a truth to this. She did choose to focus her attention on him first, rationalizing that it was ultimately for our good too.
And that leads me to the reason why stepfamilies are so very difficult, the secret that no one seems to want to bring to the light: remarriage with children sets up conflicting needs that are impossible to avoid or fully resolve. There is no way around this.
When my mom put my stepdad first, she was doing the right thing. For an intact family. Healthy families are marriage centered, not child centered. The marriage came before the children arrived and will continue after they have grown and left home. When children understand their birth is a result of their parents’ love, they draw security from the priority of their parents’ commitment to one another.
But a stepfamily is totally different. Since the children were there first and the stepparent came later, they cannot help but feel they have been replaced.When my stepdad became first, we became last. Despite romantic hopes that we would be one happy family, reality was quite different. As Kevin Leman likes to say, stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide.
In a stepfamily, if attention and priority is given to the marriage, the children feel abandoned and unloved. If the children get priority, the marriage suffers. And that’s on top of all the difficulties created by the ongoing effects of the divorce itself. If both spouses bring minor children into the marriage, the challenges will be vastly more complicated.
What if remarried parents go on to have more children with the new spouse? More hurt for the first children, that’s what. Especially if it’s the noncustodial parent (usually dad) who has more children. The new baby gets to live with him, while the children from the first marriage just visit. How can they feel anything but replaced? It happened to Jen Abbas, who writes, "I doubted that my parents really wanted me to be part of their new families because I felt like the leftover reminder of the failure of their old one."
A recent issue of Focus on the Family’s Tween magazine (Feb/Mar 2007) illustrates the blind spot I’m attempting to address. In "Ask the Expert" a mother expresses confusion that her daughter was fond of her stepfather before they were married, but now sees him as competition for her mother’s affections and hurts him by "showing more interest in her biological father" and telling him "you’re not my real dad." Dr. Bill Maier offers some helpful practical advice, but no insight into how painful this situation is for her child. He says, "These issues are common in blended families." I suppose that is intended to reassure this mom. But isn’t the fact that these problems are so common a clue that maybe children are not so much the problem as the situation in which they have been placed?
This mom entered into remarriage with no idea of how it would impact her child, and after reading his answer she will still have no idea. He tells her to stop "treating your daughter more like a peer than a child" and "back your husband when your daughter acts up." While these things must be done, I guarantee that child will feel ganged up on and resent it. That is the challenge this mom faces. She needs to know that her daughter’s heart has been broken all over again. Her daughter may have liked the stepfather before he married her mother, but she’s a child. How could she know how differently she would feel once he moved in? If her mother keeps the focus on what her daughter is doing wrong, without acknowledging to her that she understands the pain she feels, she will confirm her daughter’s fear that she is now on her own, that nobody understands or even cares about how badly she hurts. This couple may be able to enforce outward conformity to the "new family arrangement" for awhile, but an explosion is coming. My heart breaks for that child, because no one does understand her. Dr. Maier, wise problem solver that he is, has focused on the outward symptoms and missed the heart of the issue.
This leads me to the second hard truth: isn’t remarriage really a continuation of the idea that children do best if adult happiness is put first? Could it be that just as that we divorce too easily, we also remarry too quickly, and in both cases, our children suffer?
Once children are born, we adults have a responsibility to place their needs above our happiness. Children with divorced parents if anything need more of them than they did before the divorce. Remarriage at the very least dilutes the parent’s time and attention which now goes also, and possibly primarily, to the new spouse. From the child’s perspective, this is a painful loss, not a gain.
Now I know that God has individual plans for people, so I am speaking about general principles, not specific situations which may be exceptional. Certainly nothing is impossible with God. And ours was not a Christian family, so we did not have access to God’s grace to help us. I can imagine that remarriage could even be good for children when there is little or no relationship with the biological father. In that case remarriage would not set up the same divided loyalties of having "two dads," and a loving stepfather could help fill the need every child has for a father. I would expect some bumps though, based on the natural feeling that the child will likely have that their mom has chosen their stepdad over them.
For those who have already remarried, my goal is to explain, not to criticize. I hope this may help you understand how your children most likely feel, whether or not they say so. I hope that you will make it safe for them to share their hearts, even if it’s upsetting. If you are the stepparent I hope you will make every effort to connect with your stepchildren, and don’t take rejection personally. If you are the biological parent, I hope you will continually reassure your children that your love and loyalty to them is unchanged.
My mom and stepfather stayed married through all the turbulence of our teen years and beyond. They had a happy marriage spanning three decades, until my mom passed away a few years ago. My two sisters and I all enjoy long term marriages. We each married men from intact families, which I strongly recommend for children of divorce. Even though our stepfamily never really blended, we all acknowledge that despite our parents’ mistakes, they also did many things right. But it was a very rough road.
Not long ago I asked a teenage girl I know how she felt about her mom’s recent remarriage. She said, "I’m really glad my mom is happy again." That’s very telling. I asked about her feelings, and she responded with her mom’s. She’s making the best of it. And I do believe her when she says she is glad to see her mom happy. I too was glad my mom found happiness with my stepfather. I just missed her so much.
Remarriage when children are grown is much easier for children. My dad did not remarry until we were adults, and our relationship with our stepmom has been wonderful. She has never had to fill the role of a parent, never had to bear our resentment for taking our dad away from us, but has instead become our friend.
So I support the decision of that divorced mom not to remarry while she is raising her child. I wish more divorced parents would consider doing the same. In a flash our children will be grown. While they are with us, we need to make the most of our fleeting time with them. How we do that will be different in an intact family than when divorce has occurred. Much as divorced parents might long to start over with someone new and create the family they always hoped for, children will most likely experience that as a loss and not a gain.
If divorced parents do choose to remain single, yes, their children will miss seeing what a marriage looks like from the inside. But a second marriage and a stepfamily is quite different than a first marriage and intact family. And the even higher divorce rate of second marriages (due to the emotional minefield created by stepfamilies) makes remarriage a very high risk indeed. A second divorce would reinforce the negative lessons taught by the first and make it that much harder for children to heal and to imagine that they might ever enjoy a permanent marriage themselves.
The decisions my parents made, first my dad’s to divorce my mom and then my mom’s to remarry while we were young, hurt me and my sisters. How much better would it have been if we had not had to spend so much time and energy and emotion working through the fallout from their choices. Still I can say with the psalmist, "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees." (Ps. 119:71). The adversity in my life brought me to God.
That’s the perfect theme with which to end: God’s grace. Lest I discourage the remarried, I remember that as Christians we know that even after trusting Christ we remain fallen creatures, so our mistakes and failures ought not to surprise or overwhelm us. Wherever we are, whatever we have done or not done, we can rejoice in hope, because through Christ we have God’s forgiveness and access to his love and wisdom for every need. So with confidence in God’s love and favor toward us, we can face the truth - even hard truth - wherever it leads.
Written By: Lynn Barton
As someone who grew up in a stepfamily, I think she has made a wise decision. I have been waiting for a Christian leader to at least suggest that divorced parents consider holding off on remarriage while their children are young, but to my knowledge it hasn’t happened. Although there are now a number of Christian books written to help divorced parents, they simply expect remarriage will occur. They all focus on managing the many difficulties stepfamilies encounter, without questioning the wisdom of creating one in the first place.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who never shrinks from controversy, is the only person whom I have ever heard tackle the conventional wisdom on this subject. Perhaps others hesitate because to explore this honestly might discourage those who are in the thick of stepfamily challenges already. So here I am, jumping in where most apparently fear to tread, and I feel it too. I have remarried friends I love and respect, and I don’t want to offend or discourage them, or anyone for that matter. As for what scripture says about remarriage, I leave that to our spiritual leaders. I only want to share my experience to help parents better understand what it’s like for a child to go through Mom and Dad’s divorce and possible remarriage. Perhaps I can equip parents to better help their children through the ordeal by discussing some long-overdue but hard truths.
The first is this: inevitably, divorce is a crisis where adult desires have been placed above the needs of children. I say this not to beat up on already divorced people, but because it bears on the question of remarriage. I do understand that sometimes divorce is unavoidable. There may be serious sin that breaks the marriage covenant. Divorce may be imposed by one spouse on the other. But when divorce happens, at least one of the parents has placed their own desires over the good of their children.
Not surprisingly, the world is right there to support that path. How often have we been told by marriage counselors, magazine article "experts" or our own friends, that "children are resilient?" That if the parents are happy, children will be happy too? Three decades of promoting this nonsense has resulted in the destructions of millions of families: it destroyed mine.
Much research has shown the damage that divorce does to children, and catalogued the lifelong issues they struggle with as they try to recover from the breakup of their family. Yet popular culture has not caught up with these realities, and no doubt does not want to. Saddest of all, those in the church divorce at the same rate as those outside of it. We Christians have apparently absorbed worldly lies in place of God’s truth, and our children have paid the price.
The central defining event of my life was my parents’ divorce when I was nine, the same age as my daughter is now. In her face, I see something of my own: I see unquestioning trust in her parents to protect and care for her. It amazes me. How could anyone believe that divorce would not traumatize children, or if it did, that they would soon bounce back?
To have your world shattered and your heart torn in two at such a tender age teaches many lessons about love, trust, forgiveness, marriage and family, all of them negative. Children of divorce will need to spend a lifetime unlearning them as their implications unfold in the different seasons of life, but especially when making their own decisions about marriage and family. For those wrestling with the emotional fallout of their parents’ divorce, or divorced parents who want to better understand their children’s world, I recommend Generation Ex by Jen Abbas. She writes,
As I entered adulthood anticipating my hard-earned independence, I was stunned to discover that my parents’ divorces seemed to affect me more each year, not less. Even though I was successful academically and professionally, I found myself becoming more insecure each year about my emotional abilities....when it came to love, I was paralyzed because what I wanted so desperately was that which I feared the most.
As she describes her own experience with her parents’ multiple divorces and interviews many others, she shows that the past does not have to dictate the future, because "instead of choosing to focus on what we have missed, we have the incredible opportunity to embrace what we, as Christians, have gained." There is no hurt that God cannot heal, and her book helps point the way.
Let’s say, for whatever reason, a family has been broken apart by divorce. Now what? It’s very understandable that parents would look forward to remarriage. To be loved again after such painful rejection, to enjoy companionship instead of loneliness, to have help raising your children. But how do children feel about it? Listen to Charles, the protaganist in Barbara Park’s novel My Mother Got Married and Other Disasters, who describes it this way: "Stepfamily" means "stepping aside so that a man who’s not your father can hold your mother’s hand."
That’s exactly how I felt when my mother remarried a year after our parent’s divorce. My mom thought it would be good for us children to have a male role model, to grow up seeing how a marriage works. But I was still reeling from the breakup of my family and the relegation of my father to twice monthly visits. Now I lost my mom too. Suddenly her attention was focused on making this new marriage work. My two younger sisters and I had been replaced in her affections and priorities. We were now on the outside looking in. We each bore our grief and confusion alone, not understanding why we felt abandoned when our mom was still with us. It wasn’t until we were adults and began to compare notes that we discovered we each felt the same way.
We gamely tried to embrace what we were told: we were lucky. We would have a new dad! But we didn’t want a new dad. We already had one, and we missed him terribly. Now suddenly there was this new person in my house, someone to whom I had no particular connection and did not want one, someone who immediately assumed the full rights and authority of a father. It was a triple whammy. First I had lost my dad, now my mom and even my sense of home. My home had become his castle. There was a new sheriff in town.
My mother did not at all understand my unhappiness. It angered her that I clung to my dad who didn’t deserve my loyalty (since he left us) and had no gratitude toward the knight who had come to our rescue. The fact that our stepdad was willing to take on a wife with three young children made him a hero in her eyes (our dad was, of course, the villain). I could intellectually understand her point, but I still loved my dad. I soon learned it was dangerous to tell her how I really felt. Every time I tried, I was chastised severely. Eventually I decided I would never again tell her what was really going on with me. And I never did. You can imagine what that meant for my teen years. She would plead with me to talk to her, but I wouldn’t. I knew she didn’t want to hear what was in my heart. Besides, by that time I had learned to be angry too.
My mom and stepfather were well meaning people. They wanted a happy and healthy family. But they had no clue how their marriage affected us children. I now believe that behind the fierceness of my mom’s anger toward me was really fear, fear that my unhappiness would break up this new marriage. I understood clearly that my stepdad was her first priority, and that made me feel unloved, that she chose him over us. There is a truth to this. She did choose to focus her attention on him first, rationalizing that it was ultimately for our good too.
And that leads me to the reason why stepfamilies are so very difficult, the secret that no one seems to want to bring to the light: remarriage with children sets up conflicting needs that are impossible to avoid or fully resolve. There is no way around this.
When my mom put my stepdad first, she was doing the right thing. For an intact family. Healthy families are marriage centered, not child centered. The marriage came before the children arrived and will continue after they have grown and left home. When children understand their birth is a result of their parents’ love, they draw security from the priority of their parents’ commitment to one another.
But a stepfamily is totally different. Since the children were there first and the stepparent came later, they cannot help but feel they have been replaced.When my stepdad became first, we became last. Despite romantic hopes that we would be one happy family, reality was quite different. As Kevin Leman likes to say, stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide.
In a stepfamily, if attention and priority is given to the marriage, the children feel abandoned and unloved. If the children get priority, the marriage suffers. And that’s on top of all the difficulties created by the ongoing effects of the divorce itself. If both spouses bring minor children into the marriage, the challenges will be vastly more complicated.
What if remarried parents go on to have more children with the new spouse? More hurt for the first children, that’s what. Especially if it’s the noncustodial parent (usually dad) who has more children. The new baby gets to live with him, while the children from the first marriage just visit. How can they feel anything but replaced? It happened to Jen Abbas, who writes, "I doubted that my parents really wanted me to be part of their new families because I felt like the leftover reminder of the failure of their old one."
A recent issue of Focus on the Family’s Tween magazine (Feb/Mar 2007) illustrates the blind spot I’m attempting to address. In "Ask the Expert" a mother expresses confusion that her daughter was fond of her stepfather before they were married, but now sees him as competition for her mother’s affections and hurts him by "showing more interest in her biological father" and telling him "you’re not my real dad." Dr. Bill Maier offers some helpful practical advice, but no insight into how painful this situation is for her child. He says, "These issues are common in blended families." I suppose that is intended to reassure this mom. But isn’t the fact that these problems are so common a clue that maybe children are not so much the problem as the situation in which they have been placed?
This mom entered into remarriage with no idea of how it would impact her child, and after reading his answer she will still have no idea. He tells her to stop "treating your daughter more like a peer than a child" and "back your husband when your daughter acts up." While these things must be done, I guarantee that child will feel ganged up on and resent it. That is the challenge this mom faces. She needs to know that her daughter’s heart has been broken all over again. Her daughter may have liked the stepfather before he married her mother, but she’s a child. How could she know how differently she would feel once he moved in? If her mother keeps the focus on what her daughter is doing wrong, without acknowledging to her that she understands the pain she feels, she will confirm her daughter’s fear that she is now on her own, that nobody understands or even cares about how badly she hurts. This couple may be able to enforce outward conformity to the "new family arrangement" for awhile, but an explosion is coming. My heart breaks for that child, because no one does understand her. Dr. Maier, wise problem solver that he is, has focused on the outward symptoms and missed the heart of the issue.
This leads me to the second hard truth: isn’t remarriage really a continuation of the idea that children do best if adult happiness is put first? Could it be that just as that we divorce too easily, we also remarry too quickly, and in both cases, our children suffer?
Once children are born, we adults have a responsibility to place their needs above our happiness. Children with divorced parents if anything need more of them than they did before the divorce. Remarriage at the very least dilutes the parent’s time and attention which now goes also, and possibly primarily, to the new spouse. From the child’s perspective, this is a painful loss, not a gain.
Now I know that God has individual plans for people, so I am speaking about general principles, not specific situations which may be exceptional. Certainly nothing is impossible with God. And ours was not a Christian family, so we did not have access to God’s grace to help us. I can imagine that remarriage could even be good for children when there is little or no relationship with the biological father. In that case remarriage would not set up the same divided loyalties of having "two dads," and a loving stepfather could help fill the need every child has for a father. I would expect some bumps though, based on the natural feeling that the child will likely have that their mom has chosen their stepdad over them.
For those who have already remarried, my goal is to explain, not to criticize. I hope this may help you understand how your children most likely feel, whether or not they say so. I hope that you will make it safe for them to share their hearts, even if it’s upsetting. If you are the stepparent I hope you will make every effort to connect with your stepchildren, and don’t take rejection personally. If you are the biological parent, I hope you will continually reassure your children that your love and loyalty to them is unchanged.
My mom and stepfather stayed married through all the turbulence of our teen years and beyond. They had a happy marriage spanning three decades, until my mom passed away a few years ago. My two sisters and I all enjoy long term marriages. We each married men from intact families, which I strongly recommend for children of divorce. Even though our stepfamily never really blended, we all acknowledge that despite our parents’ mistakes, they also did many things right. But it was a very rough road.
Not long ago I asked a teenage girl I know how she felt about her mom’s recent remarriage. She said, "I’m really glad my mom is happy again." That’s very telling. I asked about her feelings, and she responded with her mom’s. She’s making the best of it. And I do believe her when she says she is glad to see her mom happy. I too was glad my mom found happiness with my stepfather. I just missed her so much.
Remarriage when children are grown is much easier for children. My dad did not remarry until we were adults, and our relationship with our stepmom has been wonderful. She has never had to fill the role of a parent, never had to bear our resentment for taking our dad away from us, but has instead become our friend.
So I support the decision of that divorced mom not to remarry while she is raising her child. I wish more divorced parents would consider doing the same. In a flash our children will be grown. While they are with us, we need to make the most of our fleeting time with them. How we do that will be different in an intact family than when divorce has occurred. Much as divorced parents might long to start over with someone new and create the family they always hoped for, children will most likely experience that as a loss and not a gain.
If divorced parents do choose to remain single, yes, their children will miss seeing what a marriage looks like from the inside. But a second marriage and a stepfamily is quite different than a first marriage and intact family. And the even higher divorce rate of second marriages (due to the emotional minefield created by stepfamilies) makes remarriage a very high risk indeed. A second divorce would reinforce the negative lessons taught by the first and make it that much harder for children to heal and to imagine that they might ever enjoy a permanent marriage themselves.
The decisions my parents made, first my dad’s to divorce my mom and then my mom’s to remarry while we were young, hurt me and my sisters. How much better would it have been if we had not had to spend so much time and energy and emotion working through the fallout from their choices. Still I can say with the psalmist, "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees." (Ps. 119:71). The adversity in my life brought me to God.
That’s the perfect theme with which to end: God’s grace. Lest I discourage the remarried, I remember that as Christians we know that even after trusting Christ we remain fallen creatures, so our mistakes and failures ought not to surprise or overwhelm us. Wherever we are, whatever we have done or not done, we can rejoice in hope, because through Christ we have God’s forgiveness and access to his love and wisdom for every need. So with confidence in God’s love and favor toward us, we can face the truth - even hard truth - wherever it leads.
Written By: Lynn Barton
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A Reader Asks...Should I Stay in College?
Hi Jen,
I am wondering if I can get your take on a simple yet very important question I have. I am a college student in the wake of my parents divorce and I am having great difficulty forgiving them and avoiding resentment and anger towards my mother especially. Do you think it would be wise for me to take a year off from university to work on all of this and work to have a relationship with my parents again? Or, should I stick it out and finish my degree (I only have one year left)? What is better and what has worked better for previous adult children of divorce?
I want to do the right thing and I am looking for your expert opinion. Thank you very much.
I am wondering if I can get your take on a simple yet very important question I have. I am a college student in the wake of my parents divorce and I am having great difficulty forgiving them and avoiding resentment and anger towards my mother especially. Do you think it would be wise for me to take a year off from university to work on all of this and work to have a relationship with my parents again? Or, should I stick it out and finish my degree (I only have one year left)? What is better and what has worked better for previous adult children of divorce?
I want to do the right thing and I am looking for your expert opinion. Thank you very much.
- Jeremy
***
Hi Jeremy,
Thanks for writing. First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce is hard at any age. My mom and stepdad divorced at the end of my senior year of high school (after 12 years) and it was very difficult when leaving home meant the end of home.
I can understand your reasons for wanting to stop everything and focus on repairing your relationship with your parents--it's a good thing to be on good terms with your mom and dad! But, my advice would be to keep working on your degree. Something I have used throughout my life to help me with decisions like this is to ask myself, "If my parents were together, what would I do in this situation?" In other words, if your parents were still together, the right and appropriate thing for you to be doing at this point in your life is pursuing your degree and starting on your career. Divorce tends to disrupt our normal, healthy patterns of maturity. We have to overcome our tendency toward reverting backwards.
It is right for you to want to repair your relationship with your parents, but keep in mind that it is normal and natural (and necessary) at this point in your life to also create some independence. Mind you, I'm not talking about the total separation that often occurs when parents divorce at this age, but more, becoming comfortable and confident in who you are as an individual, and learning to relate to your parents as the adult you have become. It's possible that the physical distance that's part of being on your own, at school, will give you the emotional distance to start the hard work of forgiving and reconciling with your parents.
As you move ahead, here are a few thoughts on forgiveness to consider. (from Chapter 2 of Generation Ex)
Jen
Thanks for writing. First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce is hard at any age. My mom and stepdad divorced at the end of my senior year of high school (after 12 years) and it was very difficult when leaving home meant the end of home.
I can understand your reasons for wanting to stop everything and focus on repairing your relationship with your parents--it's a good thing to be on good terms with your mom and dad! But, my advice would be to keep working on your degree. Something I have used throughout my life to help me with decisions like this is to ask myself, "If my parents were together, what would I do in this situation?" In other words, if your parents were still together, the right and appropriate thing for you to be doing at this point in your life is pursuing your degree and starting on your career. Divorce tends to disrupt our normal, healthy patterns of maturity. We have to overcome our tendency toward reverting backwards.
It is right for you to want to repair your relationship with your parents, but keep in mind that it is normal and natural (and necessary) at this point in your life to also create some independence. Mind you, I'm not talking about the total separation that often occurs when parents divorce at this age, but more, becoming comfortable and confident in who you are as an individual, and learning to relate to your parents as the adult you have become. It's possible that the physical distance that's part of being on your own, at school, will give you the emotional distance to start the hard work of forgiving and reconciling with your parents.
As you move ahead, here are a few thoughts on forgiveness to consider. (from Chapter 2 of Generation Ex)
- Forgiveness is a choice. We can’t choose our past, but we can choose how to respond to past events. Forgiveness is the way we choose to move on.
- Forgiveness is between you and God, not you and the offender. Some make the offender’s request for forgiveness a condition to their granting it. Because sin by its very nature is an offense against God, He is the One who is responsible for exacting the consequences of that sin. When we forgive, we pass our hurt to Him.
- Forgiveness is a response, not an approval. You may be thinking, “How can I let go? When we condone something, we are saying it is okay. When we forgive, we choose not to hold a grudge. We extend forgiveness in response to our grasp of grace in our own lives.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean the offense never happened. The offender will still have consequences, either here or hereafter, but that is between the offender and God.
- Forgiveness reveals the character of one’s heart. As believers, we are the recipients of God’s undeserved favor and love. As we grow in our faith, we grow in our ability to submit our will to God’s and our character better mirrors His.
- Forgiveness is unconditional. You cannot accept God’s grace and not share it with others. Once you forgive, you cannot take it back.
- Forgiveness doesn’t define the other by their offense. You forfeit the right to associate the offense with the offender. You are not the same person you were a year ago. You have made errors in moments of passion. You have learned from your mistakes. If you want to grow, you must allow others the same freedom.
- Forgiveness isn’t fair. Forgiveness is about grace, not justice.
- Forgiveness is a partnership with God in grace. We might think we need to be able to forgive fully before we can extend grace, but we need only to be willing to let go. God will do the rest. It will take time for our feelings to follow, but we can remind ourselves that feelings are not fact. In faith, make the decision to forgive with the acknowledgment that it is the first, most difficult step.
- Forgiveness is a way of life. We will continue to be hurt and to hurt others for the rest of our lives. When we embrace grace, we better bear the image of the Christ we claim.
Jen
Monday, April 20, 2009
Generation Ex is Five Years Old
My book, Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain, released five years ago today. It's hard to believe that so much time has passed already, but when I think of all that has happened in that time, I'm amazed it's been that long!I wrote Generation Ex as a single career woman, living in Grand Rapids, Michigan in a townhouse with my dog. At the time, I wondered if I'd ever marry and if I did, if I would ever achieve the marriage of my dreams.
I'm writing this blog post as a married, stay-at-home mom, living in Canton, Ohio in a house with my husband, my son, and my dog. The man I married amazes me every day and I have no doubt that I have the marriage of my dreams.
Five years ago, when my book released, I was just a few short months removed from sustaining the head injury that killed my ability to write (among many other things). Most of that year is lost in the fog of forgetfulness. I spent more time in rehab than I did promoting my book, and so it wasn't a huge surprise that GE went out of print a year later, and that I was unable to fulfill my contract for a follow-up with another publisher. Fortunately, one of the interviews I did do was with Family Life. And conversations there led to another contract, a reprint of the book without the updates and revisions I had hoped for, but was physically unable to do.
It's been a good arrangement, and I think Family Life will keep my book in print for a long time. My book was never intended to be an instant best-seller, and other than occasional spikes on the Amazon rankings, I doubt it ever will be. What it has been, however, is a quiet word-of-mouth, pass-it-around life changer. And really, how can I complain about that? I've been humbled to receive emails almost every week from readers who tell me that the book has helped them find healing and restoration in their relationships. I know of about ten books that have quoted Generation Ex. I know of pastors who refer to it when they teach on divorce and remarriage. I know of a couple of marriages that have been saved in part because of it. I know of sorority groups that have gone through the book together. I know of counselors who recommend the book to both parent and adult child. I'm humbled and proud to have written a book that is making a lasting difference in people's lives.
It's been a good arrangement, and I think Family Life will keep my book in print for a long time. My book was never intended to be an instant best-seller, and other than occasional spikes on the Amazon rankings, I doubt it ever will be. What it has been, however, is a quiet word-of-mouth, pass-it-around life changer. And really, how can I complain about that? I've been humbled to receive emails almost every week from readers who tell me that the book has helped them find healing and restoration in their relationships. I know of about ten books that have quoted Generation Ex. I know of pastors who refer to it when they teach on divorce and remarriage. I know of a couple of marriages that have been saved in part because of it. I know of sorority groups that have gone through the book together. I know of counselors who recommend the book to both parent and adult child. I'm humbled and proud to have written a book that is making a lasting difference in people's lives. I still struggle with the loss of my ability to write. I still have the excel spreadsheet I had posted in my office in my townhome. I had one hundred book ideas, including eight series that I still believe would be marketable and successful today, and more so than GE because of their broader audience. Just reviewing the titles now stirrs my heart again with that old writing muse, and I'm encouraged by the occasional flashes of my "old head," but alas, my broken brain doesn't remember how to get started. There is a children's series on my list, and I hopethat maybe I can start there someday. I have a book I want to write for Daniel, about being a Dutch-American. Maybe I can start there. What I would give to be able to start again...
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
How About the Heart
Okay, I admit it. I watch The Bachelor. In fact, I've even dragged my husband into it. For the past few weeks, we talked about how much we liked this season because the women (especially the ones at the end) were likable and gracious. And of course, whenever there's someone from my old stomping grounds of Grand Rapids, we like to cheer the hometown girl.
Coincidentally, this season's finale lined up with the marriage series at our church. A certain phrase has come up in most places that got me thinking.
Follow Your Heart
This is one of the worst pieces of romantic advice out there. At least, for any one who wants a lasting relationship. Following your heart, as convincingly portrayed by our Bachelor Jason, can often be used as a "get out of jail free" card to give up on a relationship when it becomes difficult, challenging, boring, fill-in-the-blank. The Bible warns us to guard your heart because it influences everything you do (Proverbs 4:23). Not to be preachy, but that's just good advice.
I'm a new parent, so my husband and I often have conversations about our parenting goals and style. One nugget of wisdom that guides my interactions with my son is this: "Whatever you choose to do, ask yourself if you want to keep doing it for the next five years?" The idea is this, my son is watching, and whatever I do, he will do, so I need to make sure that what I'm teaching him is what I want to teach him.
It's the same with our hearts. If we follow our heart, we're going to be led astray. Instead, we need to lead our heart. We are human beings, not animals. We have impulses, true, but we also have choice and conscience.
Back to the parenting thing. How do I teach my son to be nice to others when he doesn't feel like it? Do I tell him to follow his heart? If I do, then his heart is going to tell him to do what he wants, even if it means hurting others. Instead, we teach our children to do the right thing, we applaud them when they do and we discipline them when they don't. That's how they learn to do right, and that's how we learn to lead our heart.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Monday, October 27, 2008
Divorce Movies in the Works
A.C.O.D. (Adult Children of Divorce)
This is the title of a comedy that Miramax just picked up from Daily Show head writer Ben Karlin (more success for Daily Show peeps!) and Six Degrees co-creator Stu Zicherman's. The story follows a man who "discovers he was unknowingly part of a study on divorced children. He's enlisted in a follow-up years later that wreaks new havoc on his family."
Using humor with a painful topic.
As The Hollywood Reporter points out, "Divorce is a traumatic experience for millions of families, and Miramax hopes to heal their pain through the gift of very twisted laughter." The screenwriters themselves joked about their script, "We're very glad to get the validation from Miramax, especially since we've been working on the script longer than any of our parents were married."
More and more stories like this?
Four Christmases brings to light the unique chaos that is the holiday season for some adult children of divorce, in a funny, lighthearted way. And in the recently released Rachel Getting Married, the adult children at the heart of the film (Rachel and Kym) confront some of the painful effects of their parents' marriage (a strained and distant relationship with their mother, a father who tries to fix everything all the time) as they work through other issues. The divorce rate has increased tremendously over the years, and it makes sense that we might see more movies addressing this experience as more and more children of divorce become adults.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Article
It's been quite a while since I've posted. There's been quite a few complications with this pregnancy that have taken up my time and attention lately. For personal updates, check our our family blog.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
KTIS interview
Morning sickness has hit full steam in the de Jong household so I've been laying low lately. However, on Monday, May 12, I was a guest on Kim Ketola's "Along the Way" program on KTIS.
Click here to listen to the program. If you listen carefully, you can hear me trying not to be sick on the air!
Click here to listen to the program. If you listen carefully, you can hear me trying not to be sick on the air!
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