I've been contracted to write an article for Christian Single on embracing your divine moments. In the New Testament, there are two words to denote time. Chronos refers to time as a specific moment; it's 6:38pm as I type this. Kairos has to do with the fullness or potential of a moment, those forks in the road of life: making an important decision, choosing a particular path, meeting the love of your life. I've written a couple of articles for this publication. This is second assignment they've given me on a spiritual topic I haven't previously explored. Typically I've found it easier to write what's on my heart, but I've been amazed at how God has used both of these assignments to get me to dig into His word to discover something I hadn't yet realized I needed to know.
I suspect 2006 is going to be a kairos kind of year for me. I'm in the most serious relationship of my life, and am feeling rather confident there's a aisle to walk down in the not-so-distant future. Choosing that reality means not choosing other realities and that's the fork in the road of my life. It's crazy in a way, I mean, I've been praying for my future husband for more than a decade. Good things come to those who wait, and I've waited a LONG time! Tony is an amazing man, and I really can't imagine someone more ideally matched for me. He isn't perfect, and I certainly am far from perfect myself, but together, for us, it works. We have a few things to iron out and a few logistically challenges, but we're both fairly confident that God is directing us the same way. That is an intoxicating feeling.
And yet, there's a bit of fear in there for me, as well. Growing up with multiple divorces, I don't doubt Tony's love for me and his faithfulness to me. I doubt myself! Here I've written this book about my fears and how to overcome them and what struck me this weekend is the hurdle of moving from theory to reality. For a good decade, I've had this theoretical version of my ideal husband, my ideal marriage, my ideal self. Spending time with Tony, I'm overwhelmed with the recognition that I have the potential, the ability, to disappoint him, frustrate him, annoy him....as well as delight him, inspire him, encourage him. The time we spend together is the process of transforming theory into reality: how we interact, how we look at our finances, how we define ourselves individually and as a couple. There's a process I underestimated is making that transition from my ideal relationship to the ideal relationship with Tony. I don't mean to say that Tony is not my ideal husband, I believe he is, and that's just it. Tony isn't competing with some actual mystery man out there, some real guy that I think is a better match. Tony's competing with my ideal man in my mind. I realize that that comparison isn't fair, because Ideal Man is always seen in my best possible perception of him. I want to be vigilant to choose to see the best in Tony, to choose to see the big picture, where we agree, and use that as a starting point for addressing our disagreements. I want to be someone who delights, inspires and encourages him more than I disappoint, frustrate and annoy him. This process of developing our identity as a couple is a humbling one, because it is revealing to me my insecurities, my fears, my selfishness. I don't want my fears and insecurities to keep me from experiencing what I believe to be God's best. This is my moment. I choose love.