Friday, July 07, 2006

A Good Day

A variety of people, in a variety of ways, have asked me a variation of the same question, "What are you going to do with your life now that...?" I don't think anyone is more surprised than I am that I don't have a tidy answer. I'm just open. My constant prayer for the last several months has been for God to show me where and how He can use me, as I am, post-injury.

I've always been a security girl. Give me a steady paycheck and clearly outlined expectations and I'm good to go. It fits real well with the independent streak I've been nurturing for the last 30 years.

That streak has ended.

There's a term thrown around a lot in post-modern circles, deconstruction. In the Jen dictionary, it's the idea that you have to completely breaking something down, set aside all assumptions to get to a new starting point, after which, presumably, you then build it back up with a new/better/more solid foundation. I've had to deconstruct much of what I've believed about love, relationships and marriage. In this current season of life, I'm deconstructing my faith in some ways

I was talked to a friend recently about my relationship with God. I said I feel like I'm in a bad marriage with Him right now. Neither of us are going to divorce and I know that the only thing worse than where I am is being where I am without Him. So it's rough...for now. We aren't communicating well. We aren't (I'm not) hearing well. But it's a valley, not the end of the relationship. It's been miserable, but I think maybe I've needed the misery. (I hate that I've needed the misery). I needed to get good and mad so that I could be good and mad at God. I've needed to come to this place of being utterly unable to put on a good front. I needed to get messy and raw and broken to see that even when I'm messy and raw and broken, I'm still of value to Him. I can lose my job, my house, my bank account, my friends, my boyfriend, my hope...and still be loved and worthy of love. I've known that truth with my head, but I think maybe I needed to experience the truth of it with my heart to let it sink in.

I'm optimistic today that I've started re-constructing. Last night I had two separate conversations with out-of-state friends who shared with me how God has used to post-injury me to bring healing to others. I so needed that affirmation. I still don't have a good answer to the question, but I'm seeing the return of hope that there is an answer.


Kristine said...

Knowing what a fan you are of song lyrics, I couldn't help but be reminded of the words to Alanis Morrissette's song "That I Would Be Good."
We all need to feel this way with God, but sometimes, as you've said, it takes stripping away all the other things that we think make us feel good in order to experience God's complete and utter love.

Matt Payne said...

Know that someone from Oregon is praying for you!