Showing posts with label head injury. Show all posts
Showing posts with label head injury. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

A few new blogs

Now that I am home all day without wedding plans to create, I am relishing my new career as a homemaker. Niels has joined me in praying for the return of my ability to write. The ideas don't come as easily or as often as they did, but I'm grateful now for the time to make time to jot down my thoughts when they do come.

For that reason, I've started two new blogs.

In an attempt to return this blog to its focus on issues relating to parental divorce, these other two blogs will be a neat orderly place for me to direct my thoughts as they come.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Another Milestone

This has been quite the week. It started with a milestone birthday, and ends with a milestone anniversary. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day I sustained my Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (MTBI). In other words, the day my old life ended and my new life began. Slowly, I'm coming to embrace my new life. In the three years since my accident, most everything in my life has changed--from my home to my job (or lack of one, now) to my bank account (also, the lack of one now), to more subtle things, like my personality and goals. This certainly isn't where I would have expected to be three years ago, but today, I am grateful for the new life God has given me.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

MTBIs in the NFL

Between a new church that meets on Sunday afternoons, three weeks in China and a rather rotten season by my favorite team, this year's NFL season seems to have slipped by me. Now that I'm Stateside again, I'm looking forward to enjoying the football feast this weekend.

I found this rather disturbing article on ESPN.com. With mild traumatic brain injuries (MTBI) being a topic close to my heart (and head), it seemed fitting to post here:

See no evil? The NFL won't face concussion facts
By Peter Keating
ESPN The Magazine

Sad but true: You didn't have to actually read the comments by the NFL or the doctors on its concussions committee to know how they were going to respond to the Andre Waters case.

In a New York Times story on Thursday, forensic pathologist Dr. Bennet Omalu of the University of Pittsburgh says that former NFLer Waters had the brain of an 85-year-old man with signs of Alzheimer's disease before he killed himself on Nov. 20, and that multiple concussions caused or severely worsened Waters' brain damage. And as usual, you could count on the league and the scientists conducting research for its committee on mild traumatic brain injury (MTBI) to channel South Park's Officer Barbrady, who likes to say, "OK, people, move along -­ there's nothing to see here." For years, the NFL has maintained there is no scientific evidence connecting concussions to lasting injuries or brain damage while also asserting that its committee is about to look into the matter. In November 2003, Dr. Elliot Pellman, medical adviser to the NFL and chairman of its MTBI committee, appeared on HBO's "Inside the NFL" to discuss a report by the Center for the Study of Retired Athletes that linked multiple concussions and depression among former pro players with histories of concussions. "When I look at that study, I don't believe it," Pellman said flatly. Later, however, he announced the committee would begin to study the long-term effects of concussions.

Two years later, the same Dr. Omalu now involved in the Waters case concluded that former NFL player Terry Long had died from chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a swelling of the lining of the brain, caused partly by "repeated mild traumatic injury while playing football." Pellman called that conclusion "speculative and unscientific." But he said the committee was planning its own look at the long-term impact of head injuries. "It will begin within the year and involve 160 active and retired NFL players, other athletes and those not involved in contact sports," the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported on Sept. 16, 2005.

The Nov. 6, 2006, issue of ESPN The Magazine detailed the growing concerns that many top sports doctors have with the MTBI committee's methods and conclusions. Among other things, the Magazine's report showed that the committee didn't include hundreds of neuropsychological tests conducted on NFL players when studying the effects of concussions on the results of such tests. It also revealed that Pellman had fired William Barr, a neuropsychologist for the New York Jets who was concerned that Pellman might be picking and choosing what data to include in the committee's research to get results that would downplay the effects of concussions. After that article appeared, Pellman went silent. Instead, Dr. Mark Lovell, another member of the committee and a leader in the field of neuropsychological testing in sports, went on ESPN's "Outside the Lines" to reply. "It's a very important issue. It needs to be studied scientifically, though," he said about non-NFL research showing an association between concussions and mental impairment in former football players. "It's very important to do this work. It's just we're in the middle of doing it at this time." And now, Andre Waters. "Whatever its cause, Andre Waters' suicide is a tragic incident and our hearts go out to his family," the NFL said in a statement released to the media Thursday afternoon. That statement concluded: "The league has a traumatic brain injury committee that will begin studying retired players later this year regarding concussions and depression." After more than a dozen years of studying concussions, the NFL is -- still -- just getting around to examining the long-term effects of head trauma but still -- still -- refuses to acknowledge the validity of outside research on the subject. As Julian Bailes, chairman of neurosurgery at West Virginia University, told ESPN The Magazine, the MTBI committee "has repeatedly questioned and disagreed with the findings of researchers who didn't come from their own injury group." What gives? The explanation is straightforward, if depressing. The NFL has used the work done so far by its concussions committee to justify league practices. And if that research turns out to be flawed, and those practices turn out to be dangerous, the league could face massive liability, financially and legally.

In December 2004, Pellman, Lovell and their colleagues published the sixth of an ongoing series of papers in the journal Neurosurgery. In that report -­ and over the objections of several of the scientists who reviewed it -­ they stated: "The results of this present study support the authors' previous work, which indicated that there was no evidence of worsening injury or chronic cumulative effects of multiple MTBIs in NFL players." Their study found "no evidence" of "widespread permanent or cumulative effects of single or multiple MTBIs in professional football players."

No worsening injury, no cumulative effects, no widespread permanent damage from concussions.

Indeed, Pellman, Lovell et al found that, on average, NFL athletes didn't show a decline in brain function after suffering concussions, or after three or more concussions, or after taking blows to the head that kept them out a week or more. Despite blistering criticism over the study's small sample size and voluntary participation, these are the results that made it into print, and these are the results to which the league points when arguing that it doesn't put players at unnecessary risk. As independent research continues to paint a different picture, the NFL is finding itself pushed further and further out on a limb. It's getting harder to deny the assertions of outside doctors and former players that concussions are linked to lasting problems. "It's skating on dangerously thin ice to argue that there's no connection between multiple concussions and a decline in brain function, and it's amazing that the league continues to do so," says Chris Nowinski, author of "Head Games: Football's Concussions Crisis." (Nowinski is the man who obtained permission from Waters' family for Omalu to examine Waters' brain.) Yet it also would be difficult for the NFL to turn its back on its own research and admit it has a long-term concussions problem. The league is well-known in legal circles for tenaciously fighting even minor disability claims, and the last thing it wants to face is a flood of lawsuits by athletes who suffered head injuries and kept playing. "There is the potential for bankrupting the league pension and disability plan if the NFL had to honor claims of disability brought by players who have concussions," says Michael Kaplen, a New York lawyer who specializes in brain injuries. Some doctors and former players have long suspected that the NFL has always intended to use the MTBI committee's work as a bulwark against just such liability. One of the scientists who reviewed the committee's work for Neurosurgery told ESPN The Magazine: "They're basically trying to prepare a defense for when one of these players sues. ... They are trying to say that what's done in the NFL is OK because in their studies, it doesn't look like bad things are happening from concussions." But as the concussion committee's studies turn out to be flawed or incomplete and outsiders are linking concussions to serious illness and even death, the NFL is going to need a new strategy. Its same old dismiss-and-wait statement on Andre Waters shows it's still looking for one.

Peter Keating writes about sports business for ESPN The Magazine. His book, "Dingers: A Short History of the Long Ball," is available now on Amazon.com.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Found on a piece of paper while packing up my home...

I miss who I was, not because I was perfect but because I was known.

Friday, July 07, 2006

A Good Day

A variety of people, in a variety of ways, have asked me a variation of the same question, "What are you going to do with your life now that...?" I don't think anyone is more surprised than I am that I don't have a tidy answer. I'm just open. My constant prayer for the last several months has been for God to show me where and how He can use me, as I am, post-injury.

I've always been a security girl. Give me a steady paycheck and clearly outlined expectations and I'm good to go. It fits real well with the independent streak I've been nurturing for the last 30 years.

That streak has ended.

There's a term thrown around a lot in post-modern circles, deconstruction. In the Jen dictionary, it's the idea that you have to completely breaking something down, set aside all assumptions to get to a new starting point, after which, presumably, you then build it back up with a new/better/more solid foundation. I've had to deconstruct much of what I've believed about love, relationships and marriage. In this current season of life, I'm deconstructing my faith in some ways

I was talked to a friend recently about my relationship with God. I said I feel like I'm in a bad marriage with Him right now. Neither of us are going to divorce and I know that the only thing worse than where I am is being where I am without Him. So it's rough...for now. We aren't communicating well. We aren't (I'm not) hearing well. But it's a valley, not the end of the relationship. It's been miserable, but I think maybe I've needed the misery. (I hate that I've needed the misery). I needed to get good and mad so that I could be good and mad at God. I've needed to come to this place of being utterly unable to put on a good front. I needed to get messy and raw and broken to see that even when I'm messy and raw and broken, I'm still of value to Him. I can lose my job, my house, my bank account, my friends, my boyfriend, my hope...and still be loved and worthy of love. I've known that truth with my head, but I think maybe I needed to experience the truth of it with my heart to let it sink in.

I'm optimistic today that I've started re-constructing. Last night I had two separate conversations with out-of-state friends who shared with me how God has used to post-injury me to bring healing to others. I so needed that affirmation. I still don't have a good answer to the question, but I'm seeing the return of hope that there is an answer.

Monday, May 02, 2005

The World As Best I Remember It, Volume 1

A recent conversation reminded me that we often have the emotional resources to persevere during a crisis. It is typically later, when the immediate threat passes that we tend to fall apart emotionally, or maybe finally allow ourselves to experience the emotions we had kept at bay. In an email last week to friends and family, I offered a blanket apology for not keeping up on relationships (or life, for that matter) since sustaining a mild traumatic brain injury in January of 2004. Realizing that the emotional aftermath comes, well, after, the trauma, I discover grace for all these messy feelings that now overwhelm me. I lost most of a YEAR of my life. I realized a lifelong dream when my first book came out, but I don't remember. I've done interviews and events, but I don't remember. I've met people, important people to me, but I don't remember. I shared my heart and my life with others, and they with me, but I don't remember. Everything from January 21, 2004 until sometime in November is lost in a fog that won't clear.

My speech therapist had me journal while I was off-work. I've journaled since high school, but this was different. These rambled writings record the events, but not the emotions, of my lost year. I hate that I feel like a spectator in the history of my own life, relying on others to tell me, through their eyes, where I've been and who I've become. Thus, the emotional flood and the unsettling question: who am I now?

Some very dear friends have walked with me closer that I realize, and I suppose others have simply wondered where I've been, why I'm gone, or maybe haven't wondered at all. As my health and mental endurance improve, it's humbling to see that life has gone along just fine without me and now I wrestle to figure out where I still fit in. Everything has changed. Friends have married, had children, moved away and moved on. My little church group that previously provided my everyday friendships has grown considerably, and those who knew me before are far outnumbered by those who've met me since. Those who were closest to me before are closer to others now. But perhaps the most unsettling realization is that I have changed. Formerly the uber-independent woman, I now realize that I need much more than I like to admit. Not just on a physical, please-drive-me-around, help-me-with-errands kind of a way, but on the much more vulnerable, emotional, please-love-me-because-God-created-me-to-be-a-relational-being kind of way. No longer do I want to conquer the world. I just want to make sense of my world.

I suppose on a spiritual level, I'm the same person: A created being in desperate need of her Creator Savior. But my priorities have changed, my goals have changed, my hopes have changed. Accomplishments and accolades aren't nearly as important as the contentment of commited relationships and knowing that I'm a priority to those whose relationships I have prioritized. In case I ever doubted, the physical is fleeting. There's a lot I've loved about my life. I've been able to do a lot of wonderful things: travel the world, write a book, pay off my debt, own a home, adopt a puppy...And while all those things are great, at the end of the day, I know what it is to need, and I don't want to be alone. I've made lists of to do and to have before feeling "ready" for marriage. I realize now that you will never be ready. You can never get all your ducks in a row because only God knows how many ducks there are. While chemistry and attraction has an important place, I realize that confidence in the security of a relationship depends more on character and a capacity to commit.

I can work and plan and prepare all I want to be the best friend, best wife I can possibly be, but ultimately, it's a matter of the heart. Will I choose to love when it isn't convenient, easy or attractive? And from the other side, will I choose to let myself receive love when I can't give anything in return, when I am the one who needs, when what I need is embarrassing to admit because it is so basic?

This stage of my healing has been the hardest. Before, I was unable to comprehend the seriousness of my injury. My emotions were up because ignorance was truly bliss. Now I know what I have lost and I grieve what I cannot get back. I struggle because now I can experience moments of life as it used to be and rather than celebrating those periods, I'm frustrated at their fleeting nature. I struggle because my desire to be fully recovered is not enough to make it so, and that One who can make it so continues to say, "Not yet," or, I fear, "Not again in this life."

If you are a person of faith, I covet your prayers:
* for ongoing healing, especially fully restored mental endurance to carry a full load at work, with reserves to be able to keep up with home, relationships and life.
* for a new vision for what God intends for me. The old vision has expired and I need desperately to discern His direction.
* for the ability to accept myself for who I am today and see myself through the loving eyes of my Father.
* for restored trust in the One who promises to provide good things--even in the midst of hard things.