Reality Marketing

I'm still at the Calvin Festival of Faith & Writing. As promised, I'm posting a quick hello to those who attended my Reality Marketing session an hour ago to show how easy it is to update a blog! If you were there--or wish you were!--please leave a comment to say hello!

"Don't Give Up" by Sanctus Real

Thanks to Sondra for the heads up on this new song from Sanctus Real. She writes:

Hey Jen! A new song you can add to this list is, "Don't Give Up" by Sanctus Real. It is off their new "The Face of Love" album (GREAT album, by the way). It was written as a letter to one of their friends who had decided to get a divorce. Maybe this doesn't necessarily fit the "Children of Divorce" soundtrack, but it's a great song against divorce in general and will hopefully be used by God to grab the attention of those on the verge of giving up on love.

I do think it fits, so it's going on the list! I looked up the lyrics so you can see for yourself.

Don't Give Up

I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn’t feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don’t give up on love and throw it all away.
Don’t give up on love and let it fall away.
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don’t give up on love and throw it all away.

I heard you say you can’t change a stubborn heart
I can relate ‘cause that’s how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything,
To realize it might be time to change?

Don’t give up on love and throw it all away.
Don’t give up on love and let it fall away.
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don’t give up on love and throw it all away.

Your restless heart won’t win ‘cause you take but you don’t give
And you’ll keep moving on until you learn what love is

You can listen to a bit of the song on the band's MySpace page.

Calvin Festival of Faith & Writing

I'm here at the Calvin Festival of Faith and Writing. If you're an aspiring writer, a published author, or anyone in the publishing industry, this is the place to be. I'm here wearing both my professional and personal hats. I'm meeting with prospective authors to educate, encourage and equip them to succeed in publishing. I'm presenting a session on Saturday called "Reality Marketing" about an author's role in promotion. And I'm doing a bit of networking for my own writing. My writer's group, The Guild, is all here, even our friend Julie who had to leave us for the Great White North. It'll be a crazy couple of days, but it's worth it to get those writing juices flowing...

I'll be checking email sporadically, so if you're at the conference, let me know. I'd love to meet you!

AmazonConnect

Amazon has created a nifty new tool for authors to interact with readers. It's called AmazonConnect. It's designed to give authors an opportunity to answer reader questions, offer more content, sneak peeks, etc. Readers can subscribe to author blogs (called plogs, for personal blog).

I just posted my first message, responding to the question I get asked the most.

Check it out and post a question of your own!

food for thought

God does not greatly use the man He does not first greatly wound.
--Tozer

Divorce Movies

Bye Bye Love
Divorce American Style
Hope Floats
How to Deal
Kramer vs. Kramer
Liar Liar
Mrs. Doubtfire
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Stepmom
The Story of Us

Rob Lacey

Many of you know my day job is at Zondervan. I'm usually pretty intentional about keeping my Zondervan life out of this blog, but one of our authors is facing his last days, and he and his family could use your prayers.

This is from one of my co-workers:

A good friend of mine, and an author of ours, is currently battling cancer on his deathbed. It's hard to describe the magnitude of the situation. Rob had cancer 5 years ago and was on his deathbed, but God intervened and a miracle happened: the cancer completely disappeared from his body - his kidney, liver, bones etc. He and his wife had a child, a miracle baby. Lukas is now 5 years old, and a tiny baby girl (the 2nd miracle child) now rests inside of Sandra. Doctors are debating inducing Sandra tomorrow, even though it would mean a risky C-section, so that Rob will hopefully see his baby girl before Jesus calls him home.

Rob Lacey is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. His passion for God is palpable, and he truly resembles the kind of Christian I want to be - a person after God's own heart. He is doing well emotionally and spiritually, given the situation he is in. But, he has only days left and it will be a great time of mourning here on earth. I know God is ready to bring Rob home so that he has no more pain and sadness. But it is hard to think what pain and sadness there will be for the family who remains.

Please pray for a miracle. It's happened before, it can happen again. If Rob goes home, the miracle I am praying for is that Lukas is not negatively affected by it. I pray he doesn't get angry at God for taking his daddy away. Please remember the Lacey family, and pray for safety for all of them.

I ask you join us in praying for this family at this time.

Progress

Today is my mom and stepdad's anti-anniversary. If they hadn't divorced in 1990, today would have been their 28th wedding anniversary.

For a long time, I dreaded April 6. Each anniversary was a reminder of life as it was and would never again be. I would think of that painful period of life and feel overwhelmed by those emotions again. I would think of all the ways the divorce had made my life harder--the financial challenges, the abandonment issues, the sense of being lost and forgotten, the trust issues and insecurities, the way love is so much harder to give or receive, a general feeling of being ill-equipped for adult life.

When I got up this morning, I had to stop and remember the significance of the day. I wondered if it was someone's birthday, or if I had a doctor's appointment or deadline. And then I remembered. And discovered it didn't hurt so much today. And I don't remember the last time it did.

Mom and John have been divorced for sixteen years...pretty much my entire adult life. There's a myth that when parents divorce when the kids are adults that somehow it's less painful. When I speak about being a child of divorce, I often say that mom and John's divorce was much harder than mom and dad's breakup. There are a lot of reasons for that, only one that I'll mention here because it makes the point of this post.

When mom and John divorced, it disrupted my launch into adulthood. Like most high school seniors, I was looking forward to flying the family coop. But when I left, we all left. My house was sold and my family dismantled. All the artifacts of my past were boxed up, sold, or thrown away. When I left the house, I lost my home.

It was a hard time for all of us and I know my mom and stepdad made the best choices they were capable of making at that time. I know that they love me and didn't mean to hurt me. I know that they assumed my perfectionism and independent traits would help me survive, maybe even thrive. We were all hurt and we all went our separate ways.

When biological parents divorce, circumstances can require a reunion. When stepparents divorce, the non-biological parents can walk away. I grew up with John. He was a family friend before he and mom married when I was six. I spent my entire school years with him in my home. He taught me to tie my shoes, match my Garanimal clothes, he taught me my state capitals, presidents and parts to my car, he came to all my games and student conferences, he was present on all my vacations, and he terrorized all my dates. But when mom divorced him, in a lot of ways, he divorced me. The family of my life--mom, John, and me--has never had a reunion in these last sixteen years, and every anniversary, I feel that sense of loss again. I miss the family I had, and I long for the family I want to create.

I think it's the living in limbo that made the anniversary so hard each year. John has since remarried. Mom is unmarried, and has had her own share of struggles, but perhaps has had an easier time because she was adult and she did the choosing. I'm still haunted by the ghost of a family I didn't choose to lose.

What I realized today, is that even though that pain still exists and is palpable when I allow myself to stop and think of it, the pain is lessened somewhat because I have found my own place. It isn't the family I want--with me as the wife and mom--but it's still a place of connection and belonging. I have created an identity independent of my family--through my faith, my work, my writing, my dog, my home and especially with my own family of friends.

My friend Erin is in my family of friends. She encourages me with each scary step I take with my heart. "It's progress, Jen. Progress." This morning, I am grateful for progress.

Hope for the Unhooked Generation

While I was writing Generation Ex, I came across a couple, Drs. Bev and Tom Rodgers, who had also written on the topic of adult children of divorce. Writing as both counselors and adult children of divorce, I appreciate their personal and professional insights.

They have a new book coming out in October, "The Singlehood Phenomenon: Ten Brutally Honest Reasons Singles Aren't Getting Married" (NavPress).

A few of the reasons include:

• Fear of getting a divorce like their parents
• A poor understanding of the nature and purpose of marriage
• Confused about the rules of dating
• Too much emphasis placed on career and success
• Fear of being hurt in relationships.

They write, "Our intent is to provide help not just for this generation but all singles, and to give them a more positive take on marriage and the skills to approach it with confidence. There is hope for the unhooked."

I'm looking forward to checking it out!

No Perfect Love

As I look ahead to what I might write next, one idea that keep percolating is Getting to I Do After Mom and Dad Said I Don't. Navigating the Christian dating scene is hard enough, but when you throw in the insecurities and fears that come from trying to create that which you haven't experienced at home, it's tempting to give up on the whole thing.

A friend of mine from college, Camerin Courtney, is becoming a bit of an expert on the topic of Christian dating. She's the editor of ChristianityToday.com's Singles channel and the author of two books about being a Christian single.

Her newest book, The UnGuide to Dating, was co-written with Todd Hertz. Regardless of our family background, Christian singles today seem to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to find the "perfect" match. Online dating only increases our consumer mentality when it comes to dating, because if one person doesn't perfectly match up, if we ever have a doubt, we can keep browsing. And while there is great wisdom in seeking a spouse with great qualities, we have to remember that no one is perfect. Over the long haul, a solid marriage tends to be more about our choices than our chemistry, more about living our faith in love, than reacting to our feelings, more about being holy than happy. Marriage is two imperfect people learning to perfect their love by relying on the One who is love perfectly personified.

The excerpt below really hit home:

Not That Puzzling
by Todd Hertz
March 29, 2006

I remember once sitting in a car with my girlfriend at the time. All of a sudden, I got very annoyed. I'm not even sure what bugged me. But at the time, I decided it was her. I was bored and irritated—and I jumped to the conclusion it was her fault. I began to wonder right then whether I even wanted to be in this relationship. All because of a slight fluttering of negative emotion.

The thing is, this wasn't like a second or third date. This wasn't merely a dating potential I was considering. We'd been a couple for a while. I cared for her deeply. She was encouraging and challenging, attractive and brilliant, fun and sincere. She was passionate about the Lord and her job. We'd had instant chemistry: Not only did we feel at home with each other on the first date and discovered many common interests, but we quickly developed mutual respect, admiration, and trust. And we'd talked seriously and frankly about our future. In fact, I'd been praying intensely about this relationship because I was pretty sure she'd be the woman I'd eventually marry.

But even with that solid foundation—and several assurances of God's blessings—I easily became concerned about a fleeting and uncommon negative emotion. In fact, not only was this annoyance not a regular thing, I think that night may have been the first bit of irritation I'd felt while with her. But yet, my mind lent this emotion way too much credit and significance. As I stared out the window, I thought, If this were my future wife, surely I wouldn't be annoyed right now. I'd be pleased and content with her all the time! This feeling must mean something. God must be telling me there's something wrong here.

This wasn't the first relationship in which I had thoughts like this. And I knew it was dangerous. It's kind of like that old Friends episode where Chandler realizes he chronically breaks up with women for small, trivial excuses—like the fact that the woman's head is too big. His deeper problem was a fear of commitment. Mine was the opposite: I desperately wanted a commitment, but I wanted the perfect commitment.

My faulty logic was partly because I expected the Hollywood lie of the perfect romance where everything is rosy all the time. A second part of the problem was my assumption God would provide me with a wife who exactly matched all my specifications. I also expected he'd lead me to that perfect woman with huge neon signs, an easy path, and no doubts. Consequently I had silly expectations of God, the women I dated, and the feelings I'd experience when I found the "right" one. Therefore, every little thing that happened during a normal relationship—including the inevitable off moments and disagreements—sent my head spinning. I assumed every fleeting thought and emotion were signs from God. I'm bored talking to her on the phone right now? Surely, if this were my wife-to-be I'd want to talk for hours every night!

In a way, it's almost as if I was putting together a jigsaw puzzle and had one final space to fill—but many, many extra pieces in the box. Eagerly, I searched for that right piece. And instead of just trying them in the empty space, I held each one up for detailed analysis. Looking it over inch by inch, I checked the shape and size, and I tried to interpret the look, the markings, and the color—all to be sure it was indeed the one to even try in the space.

After freaking out that night, I had three important conversations. First, I told my girlfriend what was going on in my head. I believe open conversation and transparency are key to any healthy relationship. Second, I talked to my accountability partner to get the married male perspective. Third, and most importantly, I talked vulnerably with God. I realized from the three conversations that my hang-up, first and foremost, was fear. I wasn't afraid of marriage. I wasn't afraid of commitment. I was afraid I'd choose incorrectly. I was afraid I'd be wrong about the one I married. And thus, I was overly concerned about the choosing.

My prayer times also helped me realize my psycho puzzle search was keeping me from ever being content. I was just expecting too much—from myself, from God, and from the women I dated. My standards were too high. Of course, I'm not saying we should settle for just anyone—but I wasn't being realistic. By putting so much weight on every little quality of a woman—and by looking so hard for God's signs and the specific qualities I wanted—I could always find something that signaled this wasn't the right piece of the puzzle.

I also realized emotions can't always be trusted. Of course, emotions do speak to us in great ways. Regular happiness, secure comfort, or constant annoyance really do say a lot about the person creating those feelings in us. And God often speaks through how we feel. But momentary annoyance or anger or boredom isn't going to always "mean" something. Not only are emotions fleeting and unreliable, but love isn't immune from those things. My accountability partner at the time asked me, "Do you think I never get angry or annoyed with my wife? Sometimes, you'll be miserable."

What made a real difference in my mindset—and that specific dating relationship especially—was my fourth realization. While I was too busy investigating whether this was the "right" puzzle piece, I forgot that love isn't a puzzle at all. It's not a search for one perfect piece or else all is lost. Instead, it's a mixture of following God's will, finding compatibility, and—the part I forgot—choosing to commit. Dating isn't about finding what you think may be the "right" puzzle piece and then holding your breath through the vows to see if you picked right. It's about choosing well (with an eye to compatibility, chemistry, and God's guidance) and then committing to make it work. Love says, "I'm gonna stick with this even if I'm angry at you. Even if I hate you right now. Even if I'm miserable. Even if I'm bored hanging out with you. I choose to love you."

With that realization, I felt tremendous freedom. No longer was I bound by infrequent emotions or what I thought was the "right" one or not. Now, I could listen wholeheartedly to God, realistically evaluate my compatibility with my girlfriend, and work to make our relationship the puzzle piece that fits.