How I Survived the Happiest Day of My Life...

...is the subtitle of a well-timed book I just finished, A More Perfect Union by Hana Schank.

I identify with Hana, a first-time bride in her thirties who initially scoffs at the crazy customs of WeddingWorld. Part-memoir, part social commentary, it's all good. Hana's yearlong engagement affirmed our decision to plan our nuptials in four months. From my own observations of TheKnot.com and the addicting bridal magazines, it seems to me that the longer one has to plan a wedding, the more likely it is that indecision leads to many more decisions. With a four month deadline, you deal with one task at a time, and when it's done, it's done because there's no time to change it!

Hana and I have a few other differences. She and her fiance lived together. Niels and I are a couple of virgins shuttling back and forth each day as we start to blend our lives and homes. Hana is Jewish, trying to keep her ceremony from being overly religion and I am a Christian, with a desire to infuse our ceremony with important spiritual symbolism.

One of the deepest connections Hana and I share, however, is planning a wedding with divorced parents. No matter when our folks divorced, their parting casts a shadow on the joy of day. It's the big pink elephant in the middle of our planner. Is it really possible to plan a wedding without thinking about the fact that if my parents weren't once married, I wouldn't be around to plan a wedding? And how does one plan a wedding with all the naive, optimistic hope that makes two people giddy enough to take the plunge when some of the most important guests have shown us that sometimes the water's not so great for swimming?

When Niels and I were planning our wedding date, we had a pretty small window. One of my bridesmaids lives overseas, and will only be in the States for the month of July. One of my other bridesmaids is due to celebrate the arrival of her new daughter at the beginning of July. The last weekend it is! We opted away from Saturday to give ourselves some flexibility with locations, which left us 7/27/07 on Friday and 7/29/07 on Sunday, which, incidentally, would have been my mom and dad's 40th anniversary. My matron of honor helped me make the decision. She said, "You know, Jen, your whole life has been about redeeming the stuff you didn't choose, about taking the broken parts of your past and using them to create a beautiful mosaic in your future. How fitting it would be to redeem that day for your family." I have such wise friends.

Two weekends ago, I spoke to a group of divorced parents. It was one of my favorite speaking engagements so far, and my first since getting engaged. I typically talk about romance/wedding triggers in my talks, but on this occasion I still had my newly-engaged glow. As a result, I was able to share my message with a more light-hearted tone. My audience was great, and I appreciated the way they took to heart my take on some of the very real, very hard, very challenging aspects of gracefully planning a wedding with divorced parents. As one man shared with me afterwards, "Divorce is hard stuff, but when you can make a convicting point and make us laugh at the same time, it'll stick with us."

Hana does a great job in this respect. While the focus on her book isn't necessarily her parents' divorce, it is a theme woven throughout. And her lighthearted commentary makes several convicting points for readers. I highly recommend it!

As for my own parents, they have really surprised me in many ways. I think having written my book a few years back gave us all a head start on thinking through some of these things. And Niels and I have come up with some creative alternatives to make the wedding more about us and less about some traditions that could be awkward given my family dynamics.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions for getting to do after Mom and Dad said I don't).

From the Keukenhof

On Wednesday, we drove to the coast to a little town that hosts a huge flower garden, the Keukenhof. It seemed a very fitting place to take some engagement pictures.

This is one of my favorites. I love the look of contentment and peace on Niels' face.

My future in laws

Almost fifteen years ago I took a "retreat of silence"--a weekend away by myself to think about my life, reflect on some things and really ask God for direction. It was a very significant point in my life for several reasons.

First, I sensed God give me a life mission:

To establish a godly heritage

To make an eternal difference

To choose joy, regardless of my circumstances

Some years ago, I came to realize that even if I remain single, I can help others establish a godly heritage through my book, my support and my prayers for their marriages. Granted, I don't always make the right choices for the other two aspects, but having a life mission helps me guide my decision making more often than not.

Second, I sensed God give me a vision for my life:

I would write a book, marry and raise a child.

At the time, I had no interest in any of those things, so I really wondered where that thought came from. But over time, I saw the vision come to life: in 2004, my book was published, and now I know I'll marry in 2007, and now I believe that, in time, the last part will come to pass as well.

Third, in response to some counseling from my pastor, I did a LOT of reflecting on what marriage should and could be. Though my parents are wonderful people, they weren't able to show me how to marry well the first time. The main reason I feared marriage was that I feared failing at marriage. The only way I knew to avoid divorce was to avoid marriage. My pastor reminded me that God is my heavenly Father, and that if I let Him, He will help me to find and maintain a marriage that lasts. He encouraged me to create a list of qualities that I should look for in a future husband. When I went on my retreat of silence, I struggled to make this list. I realized that before I could ask God to bring me a worthy husband, I had to first figure out the qualities that would make me a worthy bride.

I ended up with a list of ten character qualities. From there, I was able to come up with ten character qualities for my future husband. While I did receive some well-natured ribbing for my list over the years, I found it to be a very helpful tool as I started dating with marriage in mind. First of all, by having ten qualities, it prevented me from dating just anyone. However, by having only ten qualities, it prevented me from being too picky. Most importantly, since the list contained character qualities--things a guy had some control over--it became my prayer list for my future husband all those years I wondered if he even existed.

I won't publish the list here, of course, because I won't show the list to my fiance until after we're married. But for the point I want to make today, I'll share one item:

HIS PARENTS OR ANOTHER COUPLE HAVE PROVIDED A MARRIAGE MODEL—A set of mentors to guide us to a joyful, godly marriage—Deuteronomy 4:9. If his parents are not married, I want to know that he has learned from their mistakes, sought to address the negative habits he may have inherited and has found an older couple to be mentors to him (3/7/99).

The point I was getting at with this item is that he has been intentional about finding wise counselors to help us, and is humble and teachable to seek out wisdom from others. Originally, I admit, I had a strong preference for someone whose parents weren't divorced. However, I had my heart broken by someone who said that he liked everything about me but it would be too difficult for him to handle the divorces in my family. I realized how hypocritcal it was for me to require something I couldn't provide myself, so I added the addendum.

All this background leads me to my thoughts today on my future in-laws, Jan & Kitty de Jong. Niels and I have been with them round the clock for nearly a week. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God has provided me with such an amazing couple. Niels' Dad, Jan, got up at 5am to drive 90 minutes to meet us at the airport. He greeted me with a beautiful bouquet of real Dutch tulips and a three cheek kiss, Euro style. When we arrived at their home later that day, Niels' mom, Kitty, also greeted me warmly. They knew of my love for China, so they designed a beautiful necklace for me with the Chinese symbol for happiness, telling me how happy they were that Niels found me and that there only son was no longer alone in the States.

Over the last few days, I've come to appreciate both Niels and his parents better as I see how much they love life and each other. They are such a fun, affectionate couple, with a willingness to make sacrifices for the things that are really important. One of the most touching moments came when Jan brought Niels and I to his store. On the front window was a sign (in Dutch, of course, so Niels translated) stating that the store would be closed all week for important family business. I was so moved that his parents would sacrifice a week's pay to be able to spend time with me.

Of course, the highlight of the trip has been Niel's proposal in Paris. Again, Niels' parents were part of the occasion, driving with us and sharing hotel rooms with us. Best of all, they were able to take many beautiful pictures. As we walked back to our hotel fom dinner that night, I thought about how hard it must be for them to live so far away from their son. Niels told me that his dad is his best friend, and now I can easily see that it's true. I know that they will miss so many of our firsts, and even more of our everyday life, so it makes my heart smile that we were able to share our special engagement day with them alone.

I've waited such a long time to marry, and now that I've met my Mr. Wonderful, I am so grateful to God for the wonderful way that He has provided even more than I would have hoped for. It took a long time because he had to first come to the States, and then meet God. And to have such awesome in-laws is a fabulous bonus. They are an amazing couple and I look forward to many more visits and opportunities to learn from the wisdom they have gained in their nearly 38 years of happy marriage.

Engagement pictures!!

Here are a few of the pictures from our Paris engagement! Niels is such a romantic!

At Last!!!!

After 35 long years, God has answered my prayer in an amazing way.

Last night, in a garden at the foot of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, Niels proposed to me and I said YES! Niels is an incredible, godly man. I love that he is so open and loving, teachable and humble, intelligent and curious. I see him around the kids I live with and know he's going to be a great dad. He's a human GPS, so I know we'll never be lost. He loves to learn, whether through reading or Google or Wiki or conferences or wise counsel from those we respect, so I know that we will always be surrounded and led by wisdom. He has a sensitive heart, quick to forgive and seek forgivness, so I know he will love me well.

We have had a wonderful time in Europe with his incredible parents. On Sunday, we went to Amsterdam to catch my dad, sisters, and brother-in-law on a layover to Israel. Niels made good use of the time by asking (and receiving) my father's blessing. He asked for my mom's blessing a few weeks ago when she visited us in Ohio. Niels' dad is a photographer, which is a wonderful gift because he and Niels' mom came with us to Paris and now we have some wonderful pictures of our important day.

We're off for a day of sightseeing (and more pictures), but you can read all about the proposal on Niels' blog.

Deciding to Decide

In the three years since Generation Ex was first published , I've refered to certain sections more than others. One that I've often shared, especially as I talk with other singles, has to do with how to feel confident about entering marriage with a particular person.

The following is an excerpt from the chapter "Anticipating Our Triggers:"

The Romance Trigger
As Wallerstein discovered, the prospect of initiating our own intimate relationships is the most universal trigger. Our fear that we may get divorced paralyzes us. Often at this point, we have a strong need to try to figure out why our parents divorced, so that we can avoid their mistakes.
As we grow older, we will naturally compare our lives to our parents.

Becky’s mom was twenty when she married, and thirty when divorced two children later. Though Becky actively dates now that she is in her twenties, she is utterly opposed to marriage before her thirtieth birthday. She wasn’t even aware of the rule she had written for herself until a would-be fiancé pushed for the reason behind her snub. “I love Greg,” she explains. “He is everything I want in a husband. But I know that Mom loved Dad when she was in her twenties too, so I how do I know that this love will last into my thirties? I think maybe if I wait until I’m thirty to marry, then I’ll be over whatever caused Mom to be unable to stay married to Dad.”

When it comes to our own romantic relationships, we desperately want to know that we are choosing well. Because we have experienced the negative side of marriage, we are not anxious to enter the relationship thoughtlessly. In fact, our past may cause us to be so overly cautious, and our expectations so lofty that not even Christ Himself could live up to our requirements.

In reality, people are imperfect and relationships are fluid. As much as we may want to control or accurately predict our future, the fact remains that the “we” of our relationship is like a boat drifting without an anchor. If we are not intentional about our course, we will not reach our destination. As individuals, we will have bad days, make wrong choices and occasionally allow our emotions to overcome our reason. We must marry knowing that our significant other’s imperfections are evidence only of their humanity, not proof of their incompatibility.

That said, here are a few questions to think about when considering marriage:

• Does my relationship with this person enhance or distract from a growing relationship with Christ? What is my effect on this person’s relationship with Christ?
• Are the life goals of this person compatible with the calling I feel God has placed on my life? Can I serve God better with this person or without?
• Do the things I like about this person form a strong enough foundation that the things I don’t like are inconsequential in comparison?
• Have we worked through issues of money, sex, expectations, conflict resolution, spiritual interpretations and the role of faith in our lives and marriage?
• Have I worked through the issues stemming from my parents’ divorce, and do we realize that issues will continue to arise? Do we have a plan for anticipating and dealing with those issues in an honoring way?
• Can I honestly share my feelings and frustrations with this person, and can I support him or her without resentment —even when this person is the object of my hurt feelings or frustration?
• When we have disagreements, do we have enough unity that the disagreement is less a matter of him (or her) against me, and more a matter of us against the conflict?
• When I think of this person as a potential parent, do I like what I see?
• Imagine that you have made the decision to marry this person. Don’t tell anyone, but wear that emotion for a few days. How does it feel? Does it fill you with dread and fear, or peace and anticipation?
• Am I willing to forsake all others (family, friends, members of the opposite sex) to make this person my first earthly priority? Am I willing to choose to love, honor and seek this person’s best interest, despite my feelings at any given time, and regardless of their willingness to do the same for me?
• Does our relationship have the support and approval of those closest to us?
• Are we both capable and willing to put the other’s needs before our own wants?
• Are we both committed to a lifelong marriage, willing to work out our differences in a mutually satisfying manner?
• Is this person my best friend?
• Do I believe, and am I willing to accept, that this person is God’s best for me?

If you can accurately and honestly answer in the affirmative to most of these questions, you have likely chosen well.