Bailey still loves me!

While Niels would say that Bailey has become HIS dog. I present the above documentation as evidence that she still loves me!

A wedding highlight

This week has been so wonderful and lowkey. I've been spending my time in all things domestic. As I type this, I've got our inaugural loaf of bread rising in our bread maker. We've also been able to enjoy reminiscing about our wedding day.

Niels and I chose July 29 as our wedding day for several logistical reasons, and one very important sentimental one: it would have been my mom and dad's 40th anniversary. My matron of honor helped us make the decision. She reminded me that so much of my life has been about redemption: living my life in response to Christ's atoning work, but also seeking to redeem the hurts in my life, like writing Generation Ex for other adult children of divorce. With the prospect of my own marriage having been such a terrifying prospect all these years in the shadow of my parents' divorces, it seemed very fitting to us to redeem July 29 for our family. No longer is it a day of what could have been. Now, what a wonderful day it was, and we look forward to celebrating forty or more July 29ths together in our future.

In our ceremony, Niels and I both offered tributes to our parents, and our parents each welcomed their new children into their family. But the moment that made me most proud of my parents was when my mom and dad danced together briefly before mom turned dad over to my stepmom, Carole. It was a very symbolic moment for me, seeing my parents set aside their pasts, and for a moment, acknowledge the history that made me come to be. I couldn't have asked for a better gift. Mom has often said that she's happy that Dad found love again, which in instead, I think, is evidence of healing and redemption.

I had a little heads up that the dance would take place, and I was able to choose a song that reflects my thoughts and gratitude for their gesture.

In My Daughter's Eyes
performed by Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Thank you, Mom and Dad. In this daughter's eyes, I see two parents who love me enough to show me in the way I most wanted to see it.

I'm Married!!!!

Niels and I are back from our honeymoon, and slowly acclimating to married life. Our wedding day was beautiful. We should have our official pictures soon--and those who were there, please send us your shots too! In the meantime, here's one of my favorites so far: Niels and I with our goddaughter, Hannah, who came all the way from China to be our honorary bubble princess.


You can see more pictures in our Google album.


In other news, tomorrow I will be doing my first interview as Mrs. Jen Abbas de Jong. Leslie Hurst from WAFG in Ft. Lauderdale and I will be talking about my book, Generation Ex. I imagine I might have something to say to say about the wedding, as well.

The interview begins at 1pm Eastern time.

One Week To Go!

As I write this, the Dutch contingent is USA-bound!
Making the trip are:

* Niels' parents, Jan & Kitty

* Niels' sister, Ingrid (on her first trip to the States)

* Ingrid's boyfriend, Bart

* Niels' Oma (Grandma)

* Niels' Tanta (Aunt) Gerda

I spent my last night at the Prices, who have so graciously put me up for the last six months or so and made my transition from Michigan to Ohio so much easier. They are a wonderful family and I will miss seeing them every day.

We'll pick up the Dutchies around 6 this evening and then host a more-than-full house for the next week. His family will stay at our house while we're on our honeymoon, using it as a starting point for many day trips.

We appreciate and covet your prayers for the next week as we make final plans for our big day, and for me as am immersed again in the Dutch language. I've been practicing, but I'm still at about a two year old level! Thank God for grace! I do think our dog, Bailey, will be bilingual by the time they leave!

I imagine posts will be sparse in the next few days. Watch our wedding blog for pictures for our much anticipated wedding day!!!

License to Wed

We are officially licensed to wed. We were tempted to elope when we went to the courthouse, but decided we could wait a few more days.

The courthouse itself was gorgeous! We admired the glass and jade atrium before signing in with the clerk. We passed them looking at old marriage registrations from the 20's. Lots of rubberworkers in Akron at that time! Most of the brides were 18-20 though we saw one as young as 14! Wonder where those couples are now...

The process was fairly quick, even with the special circumstances with Niels not being an American citizen.

One more check off our dwindling to do list!

My Mirror

Fifteen or so years ago, I prayed that God would direct my prayers for my future husband. A time of solitude led me to a list of ten character qualities, plus one verse:

Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart—I Samuel 16: 7

Now that I know the one my heart loves, I see the beauty of God's direction. When I first sensed God leading me toward this verse, I assumed that it meant that my Mr. Wonderful wouldn't look the way I might have pictured him. It's true that my lean, blond Dutchie embodies love differently than the tall, dark and handsome ideal of my single days. But the greater lesson, I think, has been accepting Niels' love and appreciation for my appearance.

A few years ago, shortly after my head injury, I lost a lot of weight. I was looking good, the best of my adult life. I wasn't physically healthy, of course. The weight loss was the result of my brain burning mad calories trying to reconstruct all the broken and twisten neurons that got scrambled up when I knocked my noggin. My doctor warned me that when I started getting better mentally, the weight would come back. And it did...and them some. Since then, it's been a battle: if I focus on the number on the physical scale, I tend to overdo things mentally and end up worse for wear.

Today was a rather depressing day on the scale. I hit one of those numbers a girl just doesn't want to see. It's never a pretty number, but being six weeks away from My Wedding Day (note implied perfection therein), it's even more sobering. Who wants to be at their all time highest weight when one is nearing their day of the pretty white dress and immortal pictures?!?

Niels is perhaps the most secure man I have ever met. We were talking about self-image a few months ago and he shared something with me that is just one of many reasons why I love this man. He reminded me that, as Christians, our job is to be God's mirror, internally. That is, our character is to reflect Christ's character. Those around us should feel God's love through our love. Even if we feel down, dirty, ashamed, or not quite good enough, we can know that we are enough in God's eyes. The Truth is what is real, and the truth is that as Christians, we are made perfect, not through anything we've done or become, but simply because we are His.

In the same way, Niels said, as my husband, he will be my external mirror. No matter what the world says about our value being tied to our weight or shape or size, Niels is the mirror of truth of my external beauty. And as his (soon to be) wife, I have become his standard of beauty. That doesn't mean I should start looking for modeling gigs because Niels thinks I'm beautiful, but rather, I can fully embrace my identity as a beautful woman, because the only one whose judgment of physical beauty matters to me judges me to be beautiful in his eyes.

I would still like to be a size 8 bride, but even though that won't happen, when I walk down the aisle on July 29, I can't imagine feeling more beautiful. I will secure in the incredible unconditional love and acceptance Niels has offered me.

It's Official!

How I Survived the Happiest Day of My Life...

...is the subtitle of a well-timed book I just finished, A More Perfect Union by Hana Schank.

I identify with Hana, a first-time bride in her thirties who initially scoffs at the crazy customs of WeddingWorld. Part-memoir, part social commentary, it's all good. Hana's yearlong engagement affirmed our decision to plan our nuptials in four months. From my own observations of TheKnot.com and the addicting bridal magazines, it seems to me that the longer one has to plan a wedding, the more likely it is that indecision leads to many more decisions. With a four month deadline, you deal with one task at a time, and when it's done, it's done because there's no time to change it!

Hana and I have a few other differences. She and her fiance lived together. Niels and I are a couple of virgins shuttling back and forth each day as we start to blend our lives and homes. Hana is Jewish, trying to keep her ceremony from being overly religion and I am a Christian, with a desire to infuse our ceremony with important spiritual symbolism.

One of the deepest connections Hana and I share, however, is planning a wedding with divorced parents. No matter when our folks divorced, their parting casts a shadow on the joy of day. It's the big pink elephant in the middle of our planner. Is it really possible to plan a wedding without thinking about the fact that if my parents weren't once married, I wouldn't be around to plan a wedding? And how does one plan a wedding with all the naive, optimistic hope that makes two people giddy enough to take the plunge when some of the most important guests have shown us that sometimes the water's not so great for swimming?

When Niels and I were planning our wedding date, we had a pretty small window. One of my bridesmaids lives overseas, and will only be in the States for the month of July. One of my other bridesmaids is due to celebrate the arrival of her new daughter at the beginning of July. The last weekend it is! We opted away from Saturday to give ourselves some flexibility with locations, which left us 7/27/07 on Friday and 7/29/07 on Sunday, which, incidentally, would have been my mom and dad's 40th anniversary. My matron of honor helped me make the decision. She said, "You know, Jen, your whole life has been about redeeming the stuff you didn't choose, about taking the broken parts of your past and using them to create a beautiful mosaic in your future. How fitting it would be to redeem that day for your family." I have such wise friends.

Two weekends ago, I spoke to a group of divorced parents. It was one of my favorite speaking engagements so far, and my first since getting engaged. I typically talk about romance/wedding triggers in my talks, but on this occasion I still had my newly-engaged glow. As a result, I was able to share my message with a more light-hearted tone. My audience was great, and I appreciated the way they took to heart my take on some of the very real, very hard, very challenging aspects of gracefully planning a wedding with divorced parents. As one man shared with me afterwards, "Divorce is hard stuff, but when you can make a convicting point and make us laugh at the same time, it'll stick with us."

Hana does a great job in this respect. While the focus on her book isn't necessarily her parents' divorce, it is a theme woven throughout. And her lighthearted commentary makes several convicting points for readers. I highly recommend it!

As for my own parents, they have really surprised me in many ways. I think having written my book a few years back gave us all a head start on thinking through some of these things. And Niels and I have come up with some creative alternatives to make the wedding more about us and less about some traditions that could be awkward given my family dynamics.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions for getting to do after Mom and Dad said I don't).

A Conversation With God About Desire

My 24-year-old sister recently asked me to be her bridesmaid. Did I mention that this is my younger…make that much younger sister? Carisa is a stunningly beautiful woman, inside and out. Truly…she modeled to pay for college. I am so happy for her, and her fiancé is a great guy. Carisa has had guys tripping over her since she hit puberty and I like to remind her that when she became part of my life as a five-year-old, she used to think I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It was a little annoying as a teenager to have a little kid follow you around, but inside, it was pretty cool to be adored. Funny how time changes things. Today I envy her.

I heard a speaker say this week that the average age of first marriage for Gen X’ers is 30. Makes sense, the generation raised with divorce is afraid of marriage. But millennials like my sister, are the most nurtured generation, and their maternal and paternal instincts haven’t been as stuffed as ours. So they’re tying the knot a lot earlier.

All this marriage talk has got me thinking again about my own lack of matrimonial prospects. I dug out a poem I wrote a few years back as I wrestled to live with my longing. For some reason, I’m feeling fearless today—perhaps it has something to do with the fact that anyone who wants to know my insecurities only has to visit their local bookstore to read all about it. So I’ve decided to share my poem with you. Maybe some of you out there will sense that you aren’t alone either. I’d love to hear what you think.

A Conversation With God About Desire
Lover of my soul,
Forgive me for my doubt
My past precedes my thinking
And I struggle to grasp Your grace
I say that I love you
Yet I take my delight
In my desire for another’s love
How can You continue to love me
In spite of my idolatry?
I want to be a treasured priority
And yet I give You secondary affection
The ghost of my hope comes first in my heart
Help me to want to want what is right.
Fill my mind with this unshakable truth:
I am infinitely loved and intricately designed
For a purpose and a plan that is yet to be revealed
Help me to take captive every thought
That leads me away from the truth that frees me
And give me the strength to hurtle it out of mind.
I question Your love
Yet ignore the love letter You wrote me
Thank You for Your promise to cherish me.
Let me see beyond my circumstances
And daily find cause to rejoice
Not so much because of my circumstances
But because I am not alone in them
Thank You for Your pledge to never leave me.
Regardless of my feelings, I know You will never forsake me.
I have no need to worry about my future
Because You already know it and are in it.
Let me carry my concerns to the cradle of Your arms
With gratitude and trust
Unclench my hands and melt my hardened heart
Open my eyes to see that You delight in me
Even when you deny me
The fulfillment of my most urgent desire.
Fill me with a peace that trusts
Even when the thing hoped for seems hopeless
Guard my heart in the safety of your sentry.
Guard my mind with thoughts that are true:
I am loved and I am worthy of love.
I am Your princess, and your intentions toward me are noble.
Your ways are right
Your desire for me is purity
Of heart, mind, body and spirit
And a character and countenance that is altogether lovely.
When I am tempted to look around for love
Gently pull my face to Your gaze
And let me see all that is admirable
In your personified perfection.
You are altogether excellent and praiseworthy.
Let me have no other thought
Than to love You and serve You
To learn from You and honor You
To find my contentment only in You.
So for now, I ask from you
Peace and patience
As I continue to wait for that day
When You bring another to join my journey.

-Jen Abbas
10/29/02