First Month of Forever

Today is our one month anniversary!!! Lots has happened in the last 31 days, and it's still easy to say I'm thrilled to be Mrs. Niels de Jong.

In honor of our first 31 days of marriage, here are top 31 reasons I love being married to Niels:

1. He is a godly man, worthy of my heart and definitely worth the wait!
2. He cracks me up. We laugh a lot!
3. He appreciates the little things I try to do for him--be it Rasta Pasta or burnt pancakes. (I cannot make pancakes for the life--and a lifetime of trying--of me!)
4. He loves our dog, but he loves me more. And she knows it!
5. He protects me by serving as my advocate and by helping me learn my limits as I continue to heal from my TBI.
6. He provides for me. Though he encourages me to do what I love, he supports the fact that right now, I love being Suzie Homemaker.
7. He comforts me. God gives me just the right words to say when I need it--and He listens to God to say it.
8. He's a human GPS and loves to drive, making him my ideal travel companion. And he loves to travel!
9. Even when I might disappoint him, he can still see the heart behind my good intentions.
10. I love to hear him sing bass at church.
11. He's teaching me Dutch so our kids can be raised bilingually--ik hou van jou, mijn liefje!
12. He is a peacemaker and an agent of healing in many ways, with many people.
13. He loves my family.
14. He loves my friends.
15. He has an amazing, loving family. And I can still stay that after hosting them for a week before our wedding!
16. He makes good decisions (most of the time) and helps me make wise decisions (all the time).
17. He was patient enough to wait for me to see what a great catch he is!
18. He's so stinkin' smart.
19. He shares my addictions for Wiki, Google and books.
20. He makes me a better person.
21. He takes care of me on my bad brain day, and looks out for me so I have fewer bad brain days than I did before I married him.
22. He's more accepting of my quirks and faults than I am.
23. He has hope--even when I don't--that my ability to write will return.
24. He has made my priorities his own.
25. I love the sense of partnership I have with him, that whatever we face, we face together.
26. Since our engagement, we haven't had a single big fight, and when we have disagreed or disappointed each other, the "love bank" is still full enough that we can quickly come to a resolution.
27. He shares my love for creating rituals and traditions.
28. I love the amazing vows he wrote and made on our wedding day.
29. This the only the first of a lifetime together!

Happy Month-iversary, Sweetie!

The Man I Married

A few days before our wedding, I gave Niels' mom and dad handkerchiefs with these words, "Thank you for raising your son to be the man of my dreams." We're only two weeks into our marriage, but every day I am more amazed at the way God has answered my years of prayers. Neither Niels nor I are perfect, but he is perfect for me, and it's clear to me that God has brought us together as a way of perfecting each other.

Today I did a radio interview, my first since the wedding. One of the topics discussed was the way parental divorce impacts an adult child's views of marriage. I remember, early in my adult life, seeking perfect love. I wanted to take the risk out of loving. I was terrified of offering my heart to someone less than fully vetted and committed to not breaking it. Of course, the men I dated were imperfect, and disappointed me, and some broke my heart. In all honesty, I have disappointed those I dated, and I have broken a few hearts myself.

It took me a long time to marry, I think, because it took me a long time to learn that without risk, love is impossible. True love--the kind that is lasting and unconditional and capable of commitment from better to worse to better again--is a mysterious mix of risk and revelation and restraint. It's taking a risk to give someone the opportunity to love or reject you. It's the willingness to open up your heart, share your thoughts, merge your dreams with another. It's the choice to define another by his best moments, and to extend grace and forgiveness in his worst.

Twelve years ago, I began praying for the man to whom I would have the courage to risk my heart, reveal my soul's hidden hurts and highest hopes, and for whom I would restrain my urge to run when love was hard or hidden. Twelve years ago, I didn't know if this list of characteristics would ultimately culminate in an actual, in-the-flesh man who would become my husband, but the process of defining him was a healing one. In the twelve, often lonely, years, this list was my prayer guide for the man I hoped to meet.

Twelve years later, I've met and married the man I've been praying for, and in--at last!--sharing this list with Niels, we can both see God's perfect timing in bringing us together after so long. When I first began praying for Niels, he wasn't living in the States. He was a twenty-year-old college student in The Netherlands. More important than that, he was not yet my spiritual brother. He needed time to develop a personal relationship with our Savior, and to deepen in his maturity as a man and as a Christian.

The list is essentially the same today as it was when I first drafted it in the spring of 1995. I made one tweak in 1999 when I realized my own hypocrisy in ruling out those from broken homes. Though it was still strongly my preference--and one God did chose to grant--I realized I needed to extend the same grace to others that I was relying on for myself.

Over the years, I've shared my list with a select few, mostly women, with the slight exception of husbands of my closest friends. Others have asked for my list, either to help me pray for my husband or to help them consider their own. Now that I have married the man I've been praying for, I'm happy to post my list here:

The Man I’m Praying For…

Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart—I Samuel 16: 7

COMMITTED CHRISTIAN— His faith is his top priority. His obedience has been tested and he has been found faithful. His life and those of his male friends offer growing evidence that his character is more closely resembling that of Christ—Matthew 6:33.

HIS PARENTS OR ANOTHER COUPLE HAVE PROVIDED A MARRIAGE MODEL—A set of mentors to guide us to a joyful, godly marriage—Deuteronomy 4:9. If his parents are not married, I want to know that he has learned from their mistakes, sought to address the negative habits he may have inherited and has found an older couple to be mentors to him (3/7/99).

COMMITTED TO MARRIAGE—It is a matter of integrity that he not only avoid divorce, but that he has an enjoyable, godly marriage that our children will want to emulate. He has never been married and shares my understanding of Matthew 19.

FINANCIALLY STABLE—He doesn’t have to be wealthy, but he needs to be a good steward of what he has so that we can live on his income when the kids come—Deuteronomy 15:10

INTELLIGENT—college-educated, articulate, someone I can talk to, share ideas with and discuss books, sermons and the Bible—Proverbs 27:17

STRONG, COMPASSIONATE LEADER—A man of integrity who embraces his God-given masculinity and to whom I can submit because I know he seeks to love me as Christ loves the Church—Ephesians 5:25-29

COMMITTED TO MINISTRY—Someone who looks beyond his needs to the needs of others, by investing time and/or money to support the Church. A man who can support me in what God has called me to do—I Corinthians 15:58 & 2 Corinthians 8:7

CONFIDENT, YET HUMBLE—Derives self-worth from what God did & who he is in relation to who God is. A man who has been intentional about discovering God’s will for his life and vocation. A man who leads by example—Psalm 78:72

AFFECTIONATE—A man of whose love I am assured by his words, actions, gestures and prayers—Ephesians 5: 25-28.

MY BEST FRIEND—A man who wants to spend time with me in domestic support and in fun, laughs easily and often (and rarely at the expense of another). We have shared interests (faith, music, football, volleyball, golf, water sports, reading…), values and life goals. He is a life-long friend—Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Niels, Thank you for letting God mold you into the man of my dreams--and prayers.

Ik hou van jou, liefje.

Words of Wedded Wisdom

My Michigan friends threw me a bridal shower a few weeks ago. Since I am one of the last of my friends to marry, I'm able to learn from their experiences. My friends put together a book of marriage advice for me. It's good stuff, so I decided to share.

If you have wisdom to share, I'd love to hear it!

• In Terms of a Lifetime...In those moments when a situation seems SO important to you and the other one just doesn't get it. Before pursuing the "discussion," ask yourself, "In terms of a lifetime together with my love, is ____ really important or will it be forgotten in days, weeks, years? Proceed according to your answer.
• Celebrate the Differences. If you and your spouse were exactly the same, one of you wouldn't be needed in the marriage! Usually a difference causes you to grow in some way. Growth is tough but without it the relationship suffers.
• Pack some snack food, your computer and a DVD. Go for a drive to a nice location. Have your own drive in movie night date. Enjoy the movie and each other.
• Go mini-golfing and out for ice cream afterwards.
• Get dressed up for an evening out. Go to a nice restaurant for dinner and then go ballroom dancing. For added privacy, crank up the music and dance in your backyard under the stars.
• Challenge your spouse to a $20 date night. See who can plan the best evening for $20 or less, then go out and try the winning date. It will make you feel like a teenage in love!
• When you know your honey is having a hard week, pamper him with a foot rub and a back rub. When he's more relaxed, then you can share sweet kisses...
• Prepare a romantic picnic with your husband. Bring a blanket, some cheese, and a nice bottle of wine. Find a secluded park or nature trail. Enjoy an hour of conversation and good company.
• Do something sweet and don't him. Just wait to see his reaction when he does notice.
• Go on a real date once a week.
• Get flowers.
• Be intimate even when you don't feel like it. Very rarely, if ever, will you regret being intimate with your spouse, but you will regret the connection and closeness you miss out on if you say, "No."
• When tempted to pick a fight, pick grace instead. Both bickering and grace are contagious. You can choose what will abound in your home.
• Take long walks togehter after work. It's a great way to stay connected and catch up. And you'll get some exercise while you're at it!
• Know each other's love languages and work at filling the other's "love tank." It takes some effort at times, but the rewards are great!
• Surprise him in the shower every once in a while. He'll love the company as long as you don't startle him too much (BOO!!) Slipping and breaking a leg in the shower in the process is not romantic!
• Always set aside time for "just the two of you." Movie, dinner out or just bumming around the mall. Quality time together is so important. Never let life get too busy and full to allow time together.
• After he's had a long week, make him a huge romantic dinner for the two of you and spend the rest of the night together.
• Pick one night per month (a different one every month) and leave a note or gift tag with a quote or rhyme to clue him in or leave him curious.
• Watch football together. Browns and Vikings should work nicely!
• Initiate intimacy yourself. Men like to feel desireable too!
• (My favorite) When you are feeling saucy, or even when you're not, break out the romantic game of Settlers of Catan. Oh Yes, I said romantic. Romantic variation: every road build: kiss; every settlement buitl: rub; every city built: nibble; every metropolis: lick. Winner: the sensuous result of three hour gaming anticipation!!!

We also enjoyed several romantic quotes:

• The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart--Josiah G. Holland
• Love is an irresistable deisre to be irresistibly desired--Robert Frost
• What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us--Robert Waldo Emerson

My future in laws

Almost fifteen years ago I took a "retreat of silence"--a weekend away by myself to think about my life, reflect on some things and really ask God for direction. It was a very significant point in my life for several reasons.

First, I sensed God give me a life mission:

To establish a godly heritage

To make an eternal difference

To choose joy, regardless of my circumstances

Some years ago, I came to realize that even if I remain single, I can help others establish a godly heritage through my book, my support and my prayers for their marriages. Granted, I don't always make the right choices for the other two aspects, but having a life mission helps me guide my decision making more often than not.

Second, I sensed God give me a vision for my life:

I would write a book, marry and raise a child.

At the time, I had no interest in any of those things, so I really wondered where that thought came from. But over time, I saw the vision come to life: in 2004, my book was published, and now I know I'll marry in 2007, and now I believe that, in time, the last part will come to pass as well.

Third, in response to some counseling from my pastor, I did a LOT of reflecting on what marriage should and could be. Though my parents are wonderful people, they weren't able to show me how to marry well the first time. The main reason I feared marriage was that I feared failing at marriage. The only way I knew to avoid divorce was to avoid marriage. My pastor reminded me that God is my heavenly Father, and that if I let Him, He will help me to find and maintain a marriage that lasts. He encouraged me to create a list of qualities that I should look for in a future husband. When I went on my retreat of silence, I struggled to make this list. I realized that before I could ask God to bring me a worthy husband, I had to first figure out the qualities that would make me a worthy bride.

I ended up with a list of ten character qualities. From there, I was able to come up with ten character qualities for my future husband. While I did receive some well-natured ribbing for my list over the years, I found it to be a very helpful tool as I started dating with marriage in mind. First of all, by having ten qualities, it prevented me from dating just anyone. However, by having only ten qualities, it prevented me from being too picky. Most importantly, since the list contained character qualities--things a guy had some control over--it became my prayer list for my future husband all those years I wondered if he even existed.

I won't publish the list here, of course, because I won't show the list to my fiance until after we're married. But for the point I want to make today, I'll share one item:

HIS PARENTS OR ANOTHER COUPLE HAVE PROVIDED A MARRIAGE MODEL—A set of mentors to guide us to a joyful, godly marriage—Deuteronomy 4:9. If his parents are not married, I want to know that he has learned from their mistakes, sought to address the negative habits he may have inherited and has found an older couple to be mentors to him (3/7/99).

The point I was getting at with this item is that he has been intentional about finding wise counselors to help us, and is humble and teachable to seek out wisdom from others. Originally, I admit, I had a strong preference for someone whose parents weren't divorced. However, I had my heart broken by someone who said that he liked everything about me but it would be too difficult for him to handle the divorces in my family. I realized how hypocritcal it was for me to require something I couldn't provide myself, so I added the addendum.

All this background leads me to my thoughts today on my future in-laws, Jan & Kitty de Jong. Niels and I have been with them round the clock for nearly a week. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God has provided me with such an amazing couple. Niels' Dad, Jan, got up at 5am to drive 90 minutes to meet us at the airport. He greeted me with a beautiful bouquet of real Dutch tulips and a three cheek kiss, Euro style. When we arrived at their home later that day, Niels' mom, Kitty, also greeted me warmly. They knew of my love for China, so they designed a beautiful necklace for me with the Chinese symbol for happiness, telling me how happy they were that Niels found me and that there only son was no longer alone in the States.

Over the last few days, I've come to appreciate both Niels and his parents better as I see how much they love life and each other. They are such a fun, affectionate couple, with a willingness to make sacrifices for the things that are really important. One of the most touching moments came when Jan brought Niels and I to his store. On the front window was a sign (in Dutch, of course, so Niels translated) stating that the store would be closed all week for important family business. I was so moved that his parents would sacrifice a week's pay to be able to spend time with me.

Of course, the highlight of the trip has been Niel's proposal in Paris. Again, Niels' parents were part of the occasion, driving with us and sharing hotel rooms with us. Best of all, they were able to take many beautiful pictures. As we walked back to our hotel fom dinner that night, I thought about how hard it must be for them to live so far away from their son. Niels told me that his dad is his best friend, and now I can easily see that it's true. I know that they will miss so many of our firsts, and even more of our everyday life, so it makes my heart smile that we were able to share our special engagement day with them alone.

I've waited such a long time to marry, and now that I've met my Mr. Wonderful, I am so grateful to God for the wonderful way that He has provided even more than I would have hoped for. It took a long time because he had to first come to the States, and then meet God. And to have such awesome in-laws is a fabulous bonus. They are an amazing couple and I look forward to many more visits and opportunities to learn from the wisdom they have gained in their nearly 38 years of happy marriage.

Deciding to Decide

In the three years since Generation Ex was first published , I've refered to certain sections more than others. One that I've often shared, especially as I talk with other singles, has to do with how to feel confident about entering marriage with a particular person.

The following is an excerpt from the chapter "Anticipating Our Triggers:"

The Romance Trigger
As Wallerstein discovered, the prospect of initiating our own intimate relationships is the most universal trigger. Our fear that we may get divorced paralyzes us. Often at this point, we have a strong need to try to figure out why our parents divorced, so that we can avoid their mistakes.
As we grow older, we will naturally compare our lives to our parents.

Becky’s mom was twenty when she married, and thirty when divorced two children later. Though Becky actively dates now that she is in her twenties, she is utterly opposed to marriage before her thirtieth birthday. She wasn’t even aware of the rule she had written for herself until a would-be fiancé pushed for the reason behind her snub. “I love Greg,” she explains. “He is everything I want in a husband. But I know that Mom loved Dad when she was in her twenties too, so I how do I know that this love will last into my thirties? I think maybe if I wait until I’m thirty to marry, then I’ll be over whatever caused Mom to be unable to stay married to Dad.”

When it comes to our own romantic relationships, we desperately want to know that we are choosing well. Because we have experienced the negative side of marriage, we are not anxious to enter the relationship thoughtlessly. In fact, our past may cause us to be so overly cautious, and our expectations so lofty that not even Christ Himself could live up to our requirements.

In reality, people are imperfect and relationships are fluid. As much as we may want to control or accurately predict our future, the fact remains that the “we” of our relationship is like a boat drifting without an anchor. If we are not intentional about our course, we will not reach our destination. As individuals, we will have bad days, make wrong choices and occasionally allow our emotions to overcome our reason. We must marry knowing that our significant other’s imperfections are evidence only of their humanity, not proof of their incompatibility.

That said, here are a few questions to think about when considering marriage:

• Does my relationship with this person enhance or distract from a growing relationship with Christ? What is my effect on this person’s relationship with Christ?
• Are the life goals of this person compatible with the calling I feel God has placed on my life? Can I serve God better with this person or without?
• Do the things I like about this person form a strong enough foundation that the things I don’t like are inconsequential in comparison?
• Have we worked through issues of money, sex, expectations, conflict resolution, spiritual interpretations and the role of faith in our lives and marriage?
• Have I worked through the issues stemming from my parents’ divorce, and do we realize that issues will continue to arise? Do we have a plan for anticipating and dealing with those issues in an honoring way?
• Can I honestly share my feelings and frustrations with this person, and can I support him or her without resentment —even when this person is the object of my hurt feelings or frustration?
• When we have disagreements, do we have enough unity that the disagreement is less a matter of him (or her) against me, and more a matter of us against the conflict?
• When I think of this person as a potential parent, do I like what I see?
• Imagine that you have made the decision to marry this person. Don’t tell anyone, but wear that emotion for a few days. How does it feel? Does it fill you with dread and fear, or peace and anticipation?
• Am I willing to forsake all others (family, friends, members of the opposite sex) to make this person my first earthly priority? Am I willing to choose to love, honor and seek this person’s best interest, despite my feelings at any given time, and regardless of their willingness to do the same for me?
• Does our relationship have the support and approval of those closest to us?
• Are we both capable and willing to put the other’s needs before our own wants?
• Are we both committed to a lifelong marriage, willing to work out our differences in a mutually satisfying manner?
• Is this person my best friend?
• Do I believe, and am I willing to accept, that this person is God’s best for me?

If you can accurately and honestly answer in the affirmative to most of these questions, you have likely chosen well.

SWF seeks...

I've made an executive decision. I've amended my wish list for my Mr. Wonderful. Christian, still most important. Single (not divorced), still required. My new #3: technologically saavy.

I finally upgraded from my classic HP DeskJet 712 C (3 ppm) to an HP PhotoSmart 2710 all-in-one (23 ppm). I bought it a week ago and I'm still trying to figure the thing out.

In the meantime, at one point I figured out how to use Hello to post pictures, but was stuck on how to post pictures on my sidebars. Now...I can't remember how to use Hello. Hello? I know I'm head-injured, but this is just crazy!

Calling all blogga-brainiacs (single or otherwise), HELP!

Grasping Grace

God is strange. Every time I think I get a grasp on grace, He amazes me. Last week is a great example. It was a discouraging week on the surface, and as a result I have some re-evaluating to do of things I've assumed and taken for granted. Death of a dream stuff. Hard stuff for the heart. But then, I go to small group and one of the couples shares with me how something I said helped get their marriage through a rough patch. So crazy...I would love to be married, to be involved in marriage ministry of some sort, to use what I've learned and experienced to help a generation raised on divorce to have great marriages...and yet I can't even get a second date! And just went I'm discouraged about that, someone I respect tells me that I've had a positive effect on her marriage. The irony.

Maybe that's just it, maybe my dream for influencing marriages is something that I'm meant to do as a single. It's certainly not my first choice, but then, the Catholics don't seem to have an issue with single priests ministering to engaged and married couples. It just seems that a person has more credibility when they are speaking from experience rather than theory. Frustrating though, because on one hand, I can't make someone chose me, and at the same time, I don't know how to move forward with my dream alone. And that's when God's grace steps in.

This week, in addition to the encouragement at small group, I received a book from a woman who cited Generation Ex in her new book, When Your Marriage Dies. Laura's book is for spouses stuck on the wrong side of no-fault divorce. God's grace is demonstrated again in the way my book has been embraced by divorced parents.

The last bit of unexpected encouragement I want to share with you has to do with another new book. Jesse Butterworth was the lead singer of a band called Daily Planet when I met him a few weeks back. His song, "Six String Rocketeer" does a wonderful job of showing how children of divorce can escape into a hobby (music for him, writing for me) as a way of coping with the pressures and stress of parental divorce. (You can read the lyrics to SSR at my site). Jesse has now written a memoir based on the song and I was asked to endorse it. I get a bit frustrated when I go to sites or see authors only promote their own work, as if any one person can get a complete handle on a topic. So I was happy to see another child of divorce get his voice out there. As soon as the manuscript arrived, I jumped in. Jesse is a vivid writer and reading his manuscript was a emotional experience for me. He does a wonderful job of bringing those emotions to the surface, even as he revisits them through the objective eyes of an adult. As I was reading I started thinking of how to craft my (first!) endorsement. And then I got to the end. The original conclusion was misleading, I thought, and to endorse the book as it was would be to contradict one of the major points of my books. I felt stuck. I really wanted to support Jesse's book, but wasn't sure how to do so without being a hypocrite to my own views. So I wrote a letter to the publisher, sharing my concerns and offering a couple of solutions. She wrote me back, very graciously, and thanked me for reading the manuscript, even if I couldn't endorsement. End of topic...or so I thought.

She forwarded my email to Jesse's editor, who in turn, forwarded it to Jesse. I am humbled that Jesse took my concerns to heart. Jesse and I emailed a few times and he made a few tweaks that I believe will make his book more powerful and effective to his readers. So mark your calendars, folks, Six String Rocketeer by Jesse Butterworth is coming to a store near you this September, with this endorsement:

As a child of divorce, Jesse’s song, “Six String Rocketeer,” is on the soundtrack of my life. Now with his book, Jesse has crafted a poignant memoir, introducing readers to the important first step of acknowledging that parental divorce has lasting effects. His gracious approach and discerning insights invite readers to visit his past, and in the process, better understand their own.
-Jen Abbas, author of Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain.

The End

My grandparents' marriage is ending. It's not totally unexpected. My 84-year-old grampa has been failing for several years. Mom called on Christmas Eve to tell me that hospice has been called to make Grampa comfortable. After many brushes with death, this time it's for real. Grampa's doctors—and all of us who know him—have been amazed by his perseverance. Every time we've been told to prepare for his passing, Grampa's heart somehow kept on ticking. Some has said it's my Gramma's iron will that has kept Grampa around so long. She's been known to say, "Leo, I'm not ready for you to go yet!"

My grampa and gramma have been together nearly seventy years. Seventy years! Can our generation even conceive of such commitment? Of course, they weren't all blissful years. My grandparents weathered war and trauma and heartbreak. Their marriage wasn't always a model of domestic peace and tranquillity. But in the end, what a beautiful love story! Anyone can love when their lover is lovable, but true love—really remarkable love—is when someone loves another with all they have, knowing that the object of their affection hasn't anything to give in return. In the seven years since my Grampa's heart started failing, my Gramma has become an incredible model of unconditional love to our family as she cared for him, cleaned up after him, laughed with him in his better moments, and yes, loved him.

In recent years, I've developed a fascination with the 40s. I've read Tom Brokaw's The Greatest Generation and I'm working through Larry King's Love Stories from World War II. Louis Armstrong, Etta James and Ella Fitzgerald have made their way into my CD collection. This Christmas, Bing Crosby joined them. I'm not saying I wish the world would revert back to the 40s, but I can't help but admire the mindset of a generation that valued commitment, honor and keeping one's word. I love watching old classic movies when men and women interact issues with a sort of gentle respect and reserve that is unheard of today. And as a traditional sort myself, I love the chivalry that men showed women in their courting rituals. How many children of divorce look with longing at the marriages of their grandparents as the model our mothers and fathers missed?

I wonder, how have we, as a society, moved from The Greatest Generation to Generation Ex? I was telling a friend about the premise of my book and he made an insightful observation. He said that the sexual revolution of the 60s was a rebellion against the institution of marriage; our generation is rebelling against the institution of divorce. Where the 60s saw people live together for free love, our generation is living together because "I can't get divorced if I don't get married."

For those of us whose spiritual convictions prevent us from acting on our urges, our sexual desires pull us in opposite directions. We don't want to marry too young—our very lives are reminders of our parents' unwise decisions. Yet our fear of failing at marriage can also prevent us from taking the plunge even when the water's as warm as it can be.

I've read recently that the fastest growing area of counseling is marital counseling for newlyweds. Those of us who grew up with divorce—either as children or adults—want to be proactive to keep our marriages strong. Just as we regularly take our cars to the shop for preventative maintenance, we are painfully aware that without intentionality, our marriages can break down unexpectedly. I'm starting to think I have another book in me. Maybe it's just for me, the way Generation Ex began as my own personal project. I'd like to write about the romance trigger. If divorce, by definition, is the breakdown of a marriage, then it must be that the greatest point of impact on the children affected by divorce is our own marriages. My working title is Generation Ex and the Quest for Love: Getting to I Do after Mom and Dad Said I Don't. I have several chapters that didn't make the Generation Ex cut. Chapters on why we wait and why we maybe should. Chapters on learning from our parents' past and how to recognize a good marriage partner. I'd love to hear from you. If you're single, how has your parents' divorce affected your dating life—or lack thereof? If you're married, how did the divorce influence your courtship story?

In memory of Leo "Moose" Manthei

June 13, 1919 - January 13, 2004